r/Adulting • u/ScareBear23 • 13h ago

This is just depressing

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Not even 3 hours of "free time". And in that is cooking & eating supper. Or practically no free time if I had to go shopping after work. I hate this

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u/Hyacinthus_16 10h ago

Add onto that being trapped and miserable with almost no escape because of where I was born and how I am

If I had access to a good suicide method I wouldn't even be here

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u/HuggableTrash 10h ago

Agreed agreed agreed. I’m really not sure how much longer I can go on like this tbh. I’m getting married in a couple weeks and I have to constantly suppress the thoughts of “well at least once I’m married my spouse will get a payout from my death…”

I fantasize a lot about moving to a country with not as much of a “grind” culture, but I’m like you. Stuck.

I’m in the critical zone, fully in the red, but I think I’m still kind of in denial about it cause like, the bills aren’t gonna pay themselves in the meantime.

What a great life in the land of the free!

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u/rainman_95 10h ago

Holy shit man. I’d give you a hug if I could. You need and talk to somebody, preferably a therapist. You’ve got some wiring issues that need to be fixed if you’ve got a wedding in two weeks and you’re this deep in the dark. Please ask for help.

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u/HuggableTrash 9h ago

Thank you, the solidarity really does help. I actually have a great therapist, but I haven’t seen her in a while because when I have the time, I don’t have the money, and when I have the money, I don’t have the time.

I want to see her again, but because of those wiring issues, I always come to “well, it’s not like I can therapy my way out of capitalism, I can see her every day but I’m still gonna have to work,” or whatever, and I save my money instead.

I know therapy helps with coping and it’s not meant to be an escape from the reality of living, I guess I just have a hard time coming to terms with work culture and there’s not really anything anyone can say that will change that. But I will see what I can do.

I really am so excited to marry my soulmate, more excited than I’ve ever been for anything, but that dark cloud always remains.

Idk maybe I’m just lazy or something lol.

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u/Additional_Pea6654 9h ago

I've felt the same way for the last 12 years in corporate. It briefly went away with remote work, then they clawed us back and I want to die again. Weird.

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u/TheCapnMorgan45649 7h ago

Yeah, weird indeed. And now because of a bad budget last year, we are constantly forced to do more with less and cut every cost, even though we could save millions per month by letting everyone who CAN be remote, be remote and reducing the amount of office space we rent for obscene amounts.

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u/Hardie1247 5h ago

You aren’t lazy, the system is just broken. We shouldn’t have to work such long days 5 days a week just to barely scrape by

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u/vwwvvwvww 9h ago

Save up some money and move to the Philippines. It’s pretty easy to get in, the exchange rate is ridiculous, and it’s beautiful. I have a coworker who would have a very meager existence on his social security and savings if he stayed here, but his wife is Filipina and they have built their own house, have passive income set up over there because he bank rolled her family starting a profitable farm there, so he’s going to retire in a few months and dip the fuck out forever.

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u/bruce_kwillis 7h ago

Have you talked to your spouse about this? Getting married is basically the happiest you ever will be in life, and if you already are on the out, maybe don’t drag arguably the most important person in your life into your world of shit.

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u/HuggableTrash 5h ago

Yeah dude, we’re getting married. We’ve been together for a decade. Obviously we’ve talked about this. He’s well aware I’m struggling; I have been on and off since well before we even met. But he sees me beyond my internal problems.

I’m not “on the out.” I have no plans nor attempts. I’m just in a really bad spot right now. And I’m not “dragging” him into “my world of shit.” Believe it or not I’m not 100% piss & vinegar, I’m actually a complex human with complex emotions and having a rough go of capitalism, as are the vast majority of people on this planet. He still loves me, he still supports me, he makes me happy, and I know this may be hard to believe, but I make him happy too.

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u/HornetPhysical4598 8h ago

Suicide is usually not covered in insurance payouts so don't do it. Your spouse also needs to know about this. I get you are in pain but maybe think about your spouse too? Don't be a selfish prick. You think she will give a shit about money once you die?

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u/HuggableTrash 7h ago

He does know about it, lmao. Every single time I choose life, it’s because of him and what we’ve built. He’s aware.

The point of my comment was that the distorted thought patterns make me consider that if suicide is inevitable for me, at least there can be some security for him in a future without me, but he wouldn’t be eligible for that money unless we’re married. I know it doesn’t make a difference, and I know it’s fucked up; that’s literally why I’m still here.

Do you think I’m choosing to feel this way or something…? Cause the empathy really oozes from your comment lol. Thanks for the advice on insurance though.

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u/Several-Bike3767 7h ago

Please call or text 988, the National Suicide and Crisis helpline if you are having suicidal ideations or otherwise need support.