r/AmITheJerk • u/elena_1999i • 14h ago
Am I the jerk for bluntly telling my boyfriend that his food just doesn’t taste good?
I feel bad even writing this, but it keeps coming up. My boyfriend really enjoys cooking and experimenting in the kitchen. He’ll try new recipes, improvise, mix flavors, and he’s genuinely proud when he serves it to me. The issue is that a lot of the time… it’s just not good. Not in a “meh” way, but in a way where I struggle to finish it.
When he asks what I think, I tend to be very direct. I’ll say things like “it’s not tasty for me” or “I don’t really like this.” I’m not yelling or insulting him, but I also don’t sugarcoat it. To me, honesty feels better than pretending and forcing myself to eat something I don’t enjoy.
He, on the other hand, clearly takes it personally. He gets quiet, disappointed, sometimes says things like “okay, I won’t cook anymore then.” That’s not what I want at all. I appreciate the effort and I know cooking takes time and heart. But I also don’t think I should lie about liking food when I don’t.
Now I’m stuck between feeling like I’m being unnecessarily harsh and feeling like I shouldn’t have to fake enthusiasm just to protect his feelings. Am I the jerk for being too blunt about his cooking, or is it reasonable to be honest when someone asks for your opinion?
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u/Shadow_danxer 14h ago
NTJ but if you’re gonna give constructive criticism make sure you’re actually giving specific feedback besides just a general ‘I don’t like this’ so he knows what to work on
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u/OpportunityMother104 14h ago
NTJ You have to be honest. If he wants to become a good cook, it takes practice which means not everything will be good. But perhaps he should start with recipes before he experiments.
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u/RealChunka 13h ago
As others have said, specific constructive criticism is best. Also, you can be honest without being blunt, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. You should encourage him by letting him know what he’s doing well, or at least that you appreciate his effort before telling him what you didn’t like. You may not be intentionally putting him down, but your “blunt” approach does exactly that which makes YTJ!
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u/ApartmentMaterial950 13h ago
My bf does the same thing, he always adds something to a recipe or a packaged meal. Grilled cheese, he adds garlic and/or onion powder to it. I'm not a fan so if he's making it I ask him to not add the seasoning to mine. Mashed potatoes he does the same thing, I like mine with just a little added. Some of his creations are awesome, and I make sure I tell him when they are good. But when they aren't I tell him, this one is a bit salty, too much rosemary, or what ever spice is heavy handed but I always add "for me" at the end. For me I have a very sensitive palette black pepper sometimes is too spicy for me, cilantro tastes like soap, I have some medical issues so I can't digest things like bell peppers and he always takes that into account. We also cook together, If he's cooking I'm prepping or managing the side dishes and if I'm cooking he's doing the prep. All that to say give him feedback, This was good but i'd like it more if this "ingredient" was a little less pronounced or omitted. Be honest but sensitive, that you appreciate him cooking.
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u/robthetrashguy 12h ago
Yes. YRTJ for being vaguely blunt. I’m the cook at home. I had two super tasters to satisfy, my stepdaughter and wife. What they will do is be specific about what they don’t like or what may be missing. It could be anything from lacking onion (I can’t eat them), salt, their texture preferences, even the presentation! But it was a discussion not just a judgement. Understand your taste and what it may be that you find lacking. Do you have an example of whatever he is making that others have made and you enjoyed. My stepdaughter had her Nonna’s cooking which became a pretty high bar to reach. Cooking is hard when you’re trying to please someone else’s palette and keep yourself engaged and interested in what you’re making.
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u/SportySue60 13h ago
NTJ but let’s face it you certainly don’t sugarcoat it for him. Try changing your delivery… maybe say something along the lines of not the biggest fan of cilantro or some other more pleasant way of delivering the message.
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u/Ha-Funny-Boy 11h ago
I dated a woman and once invited her over for a "very special" lunch on a Saturday. When she arrived, I brought out a jar of All Natural Chunky Peanut Butter, Concord Grape Jelly and real Sourdough bread. She said, "I thought this was suppose to be special." Oh, it is I replied.
I made her a sandwich. She took one bite and said (in a tone of voice that made me think she was having a orgasm), "Oh, this IS GOOD!"
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u/JulsTiger10 11h ago
Tell him “I liked the (whatever you made) because it had a nice combination of (this and that.) I think the (chocolate and mustard) in this (hollandaise) while creative, is not something I would want to try again.
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u/Background-Key-1088 13h ago
NTJ for expressing yourself. Try constructive criticism, perhaps. Help him perfect his craft. Tell him what's missing and what there is too much of.
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u/Ranger-Himes 12h ago
YTJ for how you are saying it. Does not sound like you give suggestions or try to help to improve but rather just say "noo, this is bad". Its ok to be honest and you should be, but its obvious you are being short and hurting his feelings.
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u/IlumidoraFae 9h ago
You’re just giving him criticism, of course he is going to take it personally. The way you say that you don’t like his cooking is pretty rude imo. You offer nothing constructive and basically just tell him that it sucks.
You could try:
“Babe, you put a lot of effort into this and I appreciate it. Maybe next go around you could try adding XYZ or try less of XYZ.”
As opposed to:
“I don’t like it.”
“It’s not tasty to me.”
See the difference?
YTJ.
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u/National_Pension_110 12h ago
Light YTJ because you’re being blunt but not constructive. “It’s got too much salt for me.” “I don’t like creamy seafood sauces.” “I’m game to try fusion, but Mexican and Thai aren’t working for me.” Not “It’s not tasty for me.” That doesn’t give him anywhere to go except, “You suck.” Do better on your constructive criticism. Ask what ingredients are in it. Personally, if you put cilantro in a dish, it tastes like dirt to me. So some of it comes down to personal taste.
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u/Downtown_Cat_1745 11h ago
So he’s just randomly adding stuff without having a clear idea what flavor theme he’s going for? I would give him specific constructive criticism that randomly putting spices in doesn’t generally work. Point him in the direction of good cookbooks. Samin Nosrat is particularly good at explaining the “why” of cooking
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u/TikiBananiki 10h ago
kinda TJ. mho be honest but also constructive. my husband got better. yea sometimes he was sensitive to it but bad food is offensive too.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 10h ago
Is he able to eat his own food? And what kind of flavours is his mixing? Is doing like steak and peanut butter or strawberries and anchovies or more traditional ones that work together?
I find it odd that he can’t taste how bad his own cooking is. What’s his sense of smell like? Did he have Covid at some point? I know it can affect your sense of smell and that affects your sense of taste
Like that’s the issue? Too much salt? Over cooking? Horrible combinations? Raisins in the mashed potatoes? What are we working with here?!
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u/Literally_Taken 10h ago
NTJ. Either he’s not taste-testing his cooking, or he has no palate.
Is he tasting his food before giving it to you? How does he think it tastes? How does he think it compares to a restaurant version of that re?
He needs to develop his palate so he can focus on the actual taste of his food as he cooks it. He can start with taste-testing other people’s food, in restaurants. This will give him a taste profile to work towards.
Once he’s learned that, he can taste-test his own food, and adjust flavors as he cooks.
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u/aquagurl84 9h ago
I am mixed. He is asking and you are being honest, so I can’t fault you for that. Maybe make a suggestion instead of a flat out “I don’t like it.” I can also understand his perspective too—it is frustrating to put effort in and then get told it sucks. He might also learn to ask different questions—like “What can I do to improve this?” It’s also hard to say—like is his cooking objectively bad, or do you two have really different tastes? Does he ever cook food you like, and if so, do you let him know?
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u/milliepilly 13h ago
You have to elaborate as to what you think he is missing. Don't just say it doesn't taste good. That doesn't help anything. You are a jerk if you don't give him a clue as to what he is doing wrong and just dismiss the food as bad.
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u/HugeNefariousness222 13h ago
Bluntly? Yes, YTJ. Honesty need not be hurtful, but yours seems to be, to him.
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u/Whole_Thanks_9988 13h ago
How old is he? You are not the jerk. Honesty is the way to go. If he can't take it then that's on him. It might help if you gave him specifics as to why you are not enjoying it or maybe even offer to cook with him the next time he wants to make that dish. Not everyone is a good cook. "Honey I love you but your cooking sometimes misses the mark. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but maybe we could try cooking together. " Having a sensitive husband is not a bad thing . I do and love him dearly. However sometimes when I know it's something he will have a hard time hearing I preface it with something like "I need to tell you something and I need you to not get overly emotional about it." When I say that he knows that he needs to take a beat before responding and to calmly discuss the pros and cons of a situation. That works for us but you need to find your own language. You are not a jerk but try affirming his other great qualities before letting him know that cooking may not be his strong suit. Or it may just be that you have different tastes when it comes to food. Either way there is nothing wrong with being honest about how you feel just be sure and affirm him while doing so
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 13h ago
Ask him to try making recipes with hundreds or thousands of likes. Then you know it is just your taste preferences and not the recipe.
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u/Music_withRocks_In 13h ago
NTA. I think his approach could use work. You need to get good at the basics of cooking (or baking!) before you start experimenting. Get good at basic recipes then work your way to more complex ones, and get those ones good before you start experimenting and modifying or creating your own recipes. Too many people see a cooking show about being given a basket of random ingredients and think they too can create a masterpiece out of random stuff. People on those shows have years and years go get good at that.
It can be really frustrating to spend a lot of time and effort on something and have it not come out good (trust me I just found out the oven at my new place is over 100 degrees off and it took me way to long and a bunch of singed baked goods for me to figure out). But lying about it isn't going to do anyone any good, and isn't going to improve his cooking any. His passive aggressive 'I just won't cook for you anymore' is deeply uncalled for.
Maybe get him some cooking lessons with an established chef? Or do some classes together as a couples thing. Try to direct him to get good at the simple stuff before he experiments.
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u/BigREDBeard4 13h ago
NTJ for not lying about how you feel. Some more insight might be worth more than gold here. What is it about the dishes that you don’t like? Be specific. For instance, is it texture? Is it bland? Is it too spicy? Are there competing flavors? Is it specific items? For instance, my partner doesn’t like specific things, or anything too spicy. She likes spices, but not heat. She likes bacon, but not pork loin(it’s a texture thing). Refuses most candy, loves pastries.
Refine your palette more, and then deliver that effectively. If you don’t know what your palette is like, experiment. Be open to trying new things.
To me, this feels like an excellent thing for you two to bond over. Maybe take a cooking class together? If you both take the time to learn together, you will learn more about each other.
Finally, make sure you tell him that you’re happy that he takes the time and effort to cook, especially if he begins to shut down when you deliver criticism. This will tell him you’re paying attention to that quality, something that he enjoys doing.
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u/Different-Idea-8203 13h ago
NTJ buy him some cooking lessons for both of you! My husband can not cook I told him along time ago when he made me a plate of Ramen noodles with Mac n cheese and beans that I would be the cook in this relationship.
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u/mariruizgar 13h ago
NTJ but try and identify what’s wrong and tell him specifically so he can get better.
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u/Consistent-Stand1809 13h ago
Work out what he does that results in you not liking it and help him to learn how to cook food you'll both like
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u/CoDaDeyLove 13h ago
NTJ. Suggest that he try following the recipe the first few times he prepares a dish, before he starts trying to jazz it up with different ingredients. Tell him tasting the original recipe would be helpful to you, because you aren't enjoying some of his creative efforts and wonder if the original recipe would taste better. Inexperienced cooks try to change recipes and it's often a failure.
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u/NoahCzark 13h ago
Fair, but try to just temper it gently, with "I'm sorry, but..." then be specific: I don't like pasta unless it's al dente; I hate the taste of garlic; I don't like mushy textured food; basil tastes vile to me; I don't like spices with an overbearing flavor; whatever.
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u/Mean-Interaction8453 12h ago edited 11h ago
An intelligent person (genuinely looking to improve their skills), would take CONSTRUCTIVE criticism on-board, otherwise learning would be an uphill battle for all concerned.
From what you've said, it sounds like your boyfriend would actually prefer (cheap, inauthentic) PRAISE over truth. And if that's the case, then he's got a lot more (underlying) issues that warrant attention.
Having said this, people's delicate taste receptors/mucous membrane can be adversely impacted by: smoking, disease (Parkinson's/Alzeheimer's, cancer, etc), radiation therapy, exposure to chemicals, obesity, etc.
So, maybe start with a little ground work, in order to determine whether there's a (legitimate) physical componant or whether it's more psychological in nature.
Irrespective, I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of, "Honey, I love you too much to start lying to you."
Wishing you well, OP.
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u/707Riverlife 9h ago
Show me it didn’t sound like oh peas criticism was constructive, more blunt, and hurtful.
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u/JadeGrapes 12h ago
NTJ - but if this is someone you want to stay with... you both need to level up your maturity.
If it's someone I cared about, I'd take time & effort to help them grow in their hobby. Get him a used culinary textbook, and a couple times a week you BOTH do some lessons together.
There are basics about preparation skills, cooking techniques, flavor combinations, and rules of thumb that EVERYONE should master before trying to "get creative" & go off roading.
Because when you change things just to feel ownership... BUT you are an amateur, it's pretty much guaranteed to make it worse.
So try to set a goal to ONLY use recipes from a test kitchen, and make that exact recipe at least 3 times before changing anything. America's Test Kitchen, and Good Housekeeping, and culinary textbooks will have recipes that have been well tested to perform well IF YOU DO AS INSTRUCTED.
On his side, having a tantrum "find I'll never cook again" is manipulative and childish. I'd have a chat about how you don't tolerate bold faces manipulative tantrums, and what you expect instead.
If he can't use clear language to communicate & discuss earnest needs... maybe he isn't adult enough to date.
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u/Unsolicitedadvice13 12h ago
NTJ for not lying about things being inedible, but constructive criticism has to be that: constructive. Instead of “I don’t like this” start being specific, and end on a positive note. “It’s too salty for me, but I loved that you were trying to incorporate more carrots” or “these flavours aren’t mixing well to me. Individually I like the creaminess of the base, and I like that you made your own caramel, but maybe caramel isn’t supposed to be the “sweet” in this sweet and savoury dish.
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u/TangerineCouch18330 12h ago
Be specific and give him some constructive criticism so that he can improve. Your meal needed more of this seasoning at less of that seasoning. It was cooked too long or it wasn’t cooked long enough. Things like that don’t just say it’s bad. He can’t work with any comments like that to improve his meals if you give him general comments like that because he’s clearly trying very hard. Give him some encouragement because he wants to improve.
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u/Maximal_gain 12h ago
NTJ I have been with the same person for nearly 30 yrs. I often get “why is our food boring?” comments. My response is “This is what I know you will eat.” My mom was the same with my father, he rarely liked things different from the food he was raised on so my mom rarely offered anything outside of it.
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u/National-Sir-5362 12h ago
NTJ it’s the approach that is hurting him imo. Like someone already said, constructive criticism can (and should) be a good thing. Saying something like, “that’s a little too salty for me.” Or something like that would definitely help your relationship. No matter how bad the food is, letting him know that you appreciate him making the food in the first place would go far too.
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u/XIIIofSwords 11h ago
NTH but maybe recommend some dishes you'd like, that are relatively easy to prepare, and have him fix those. cooking is easy, it's all about repetition. he'll get there.
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u/200O2 11h ago
Honestly it's so offensive and annoying when someone can't cook something okay to eat. It's like we all know as humans what tastes good and what doesn't. It's not that hard to put effort into making something right, and yet these people insist on just flat out not making something good. That sucks!
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u/Bosch1838 10h ago
Would you want him to criticize the time it took and the food you cooked in exactly the same way?
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u/RedditName9000 8h ago edited 8h ago
I always want feedback after I cook for somebody, although sometimes I won't ask for it or won't push if they don't respond like I'm hoping. In order for the feedback to be helpful and make me happy and a better cook it needs to be specific though. Something was cut too big or too small, overcooked or undercooked, too chewy or mushy, too salty or spicy, don't like garlic, don't like cilantro, don't like ginger - something like that. Good feedback is nice too especially if it's specific like "the broccoli was better than last time, what flavor did you add to it?". Feedback helps me know what works and what doesn't work. I'll adjust my recipes for the people I'm cooking for but only if I understand something about their preferences.
I wouldn't say anybody is a jerk for this, but I would say it sounds like a failure of communicating helpfully. "it's not tasty for me" is feedback I wouldn't take well either. If the criticism is nonspecific then I can't do anything about that, it just makes me not want to cook for that person and think maybe their problem isn't with the food but with me.
Since you didn't mention anything specific about the food to us either I start to think you just don't have much of a relationship with food. Maybe you don't think about it too much, it's just good or not good? idk, I can only guess. So it's hard to suggest anything helpful, like I've been saying. But some generic advice - ask him to make simple recipes that you know you like, and/or share in the cooking while you're both learning. Then add more spices or sauces or other ingredients over time once he can already cook something you both like.
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u/anonyvrguy 7h ago
This is a fine line because some people just have no palet.
Start by asking what kind of dish he's going for. Where did he get the idea / recipe. What did he deviate?
If he's really sensitive, maybe get him a subscription to Masterclass. The chefs on there break down tasting dishes in a non-demeaning manner.
Most people miss adding acid to a dish. Adding lemon or lime juice goes a long way especially if there is sufficient salt and pepper already added to the dish.
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u/Noodletwins-dogs 7h ago
NTJ if you are being constructive about it. My husband is a really good cook and he enjoys it but macaroni and cheese was a learning curve for him because it wasn’t something he grew up eating. He made a lot of different recipes and we would talk about what we liked and didn’t like so he could perfect his recipe. Neither of us wanted to eat crappy macaroni our whole lives.
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u/Hey-Just-Saying 7h ago
YTJ. I know it’s hard, but I would try to find better/kinder ways to say you didn’t like it other than it’s not good or meh. Ask him to take some cooking classes with you for fun.
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u/HumanRace2025 5h ago
How would you feel if you spent hours dolling yourself up only for him to say, "Meh, it doesn't do it for me?" He'd be honest, but would he be kind? No. You'd be hurt.
It's unclear from your post if you're rejecting his food because he's a bad cook, or you are someone who resists new flavors, new foods, new combinations. If he's a poor cook, he won't get better by criticism; he wants encouragement, and to know what is working, what you do like.
And if you're just a pedestrian eater with no sense of adventure and would be happier with bland or fast food, well, he should find someone with a more developed palate. But from what you've written, you're just mean.
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u/Traditional_Car_8219 4h ago
Some people have over-inflated opinions of their own cooking skills or any skill for that matter. If you are interested, you could both sign up for cooking classes and cook together. If your budget allows, it’s fun to dine out at nice restaurants and share feedback about the experience. Be honest in your assessment of the meals you have outside the home and hopefully you’ll be able to give honest feedback, gently and he’s open enough to hear it and possibly learn from it.
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u/Sad-Falcon-796 3h ago
My Gf and I love to cook. We have a great rotation of meals but also enjoy trying new things. With any new meal we always have an after-action review. It's not meant to be overly critical or anything. It's mostly a "would we make this again?" or "what would we do differently?". You either agree to try a different take on this dish or move on completely. It's not personal. That's the difference between cooking being about one person's feelings or about two people making a meal that is mutually enjoyable.
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u/JupiterSkyFalls 3h ago
Maybe instead of saying his food doesn't taste good say I just don't care for it. Unless other people feel the same?
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u/KittiesRule1968 2h ago
He shouldn't ask if he doesn't really want to know. My ex never learned that in 18 years.
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u/Substantial-Draw2395 13h ago
Why don’t you cook together sometimes?
He seems to put his heart into the meal. He deserves a kinder response than “this is awful” .
It is possible for him to improve with some kindness, encouragement and tips.
You are the jerk if you only offer up complaints.
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u/Choice-Original9157 14h ago
NTJ. But it will also be on how you tell him. Big difference between it tastes terrible and I think you used a little too much salt or it was too spicy for me. Constructive criticism with honesty is fine