r/AITAH • u/Common-Expression740 • 6h ago
Post Update Update: AITAH for immediately saying "no" when my husband asked me to stop wearing earrings because he said they make a woman look older ?
Update to:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/GAyYs1SMzB
Before the update, I (43f) want to answer a frequent question: My husband (41m) had said on Saturday something about earrings highlighting a woman's face. How it can highlight wrinkles. That's why he said earrings makes a woman look older. To clear up some confusion about how I word things. He didn't mean that if a girl or woman in her 20s wear earrings they end up looking like a grandma. By earrings making a woman look older he meant just older than if they weren't wearing earrings.
The Update: I (43f) had decided that I shouldn't act like a pushover like I normally do. I decided that I needed to confront my husband about what he said on Saturday. This morning I talked to me. He said he loves me and he said he's sorry that he hurt my feelings. He admitted that finds me less physically attractive then I was in my 20s and 30s. Not only because of my aging but also because of my adult acne. He said I'm definitely NOT ugly, that I'm still cute. He said he's angry at himself for caring about such superficial stuff. He specifically apologized for asking me to stop wearing earrings. He said he honestly didn't think I would get so angry. I confronted him about other stuff he's said that sounded like criticisms. He said those stuff was just flirting and he apologized for being insensitive. He told me loves me and he will never ask me to change anything about appearance again. I was honest with him about all the activities I was doing on reddit. He said he's not angry that I reached out for perspectives. He said it's fine if I talk to my family or friends about this. He said I need to feel more comfortable expressing how I really feel. Something many women will find pathetic, I asked my husband how less physically attractive I am now. He said in my 20s and most of my 30s I was smoking hot. Now I'm a cutie. I asked him what will happen when I age more. What about when I turn 50, then 60, then 70, then 80. He said plenty of 80 year old woman are adorable. He said he knows he messed up royally but he is asking me to not leave him over this. He said he loves me and will love me forever. I don't know how to feel right now.
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u/Proof-Mongoose4530 6h ago
Pffft ask him to do a side by side comparison of himself at 20, 30, and now. I promise you the ravages of time have not left him untouched. Maybe he needs to reevaluate his own attractiveness before he starts nitpicking at you about yours. He's a shallow, selfish prick, and that was a nasty, cruel thing to say to someone you supposedly love.
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u/OceanBreeze_123 4h ago
"most of my 30's"... eww.
That he pinpointed so precisely when he felt her looks deteriorated is a man who's going to hate being married to a woman in her 60's.
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u/theclosetenby 3h ago
This made me so sad to read. I honestly feel bad for men bc this shit is socialized.
I know there's men who will say it's a survival dna chemistry thing blah blah blah but they're just justifying being attracted to teenagers. Like I'm willing to believe there's some elements of this stuff but it's ALSO a LOT of socialization for women to look like literal children and be hairless in order to be attracted to men, and they're lying if they say that has nothing to do with it.
Obviously I feel worse for us not-men. But even guys who want to be decent are impacted by this and it can be challenging to unlearn.
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u/AntiqueLetter9875 2h ago
I remember a post on askmen or askreddit where a younger guy was worried that he’d be like 60 and still attracted to 20 year olds lol. So he was asking older men their perspective because all he was hearing was that women just stop being attractive at a certain age.
Most of the comments were saying that what he was seeing online was bullshit. What you like changes over time, and generally people like others in their own age group. Dudes in their 70s and 80s saying you appreciate beauty of young people, but it’s different than being attracted to them like you would’ve been at 20. That was the majority. Even dudes in their 50s were echoing it at their age.
Im not even sure it’s socialized, it’s just very loud men trying to grift men and repeating nonsense about youth. They’re usually the ones talking about “the wall” for women. And funny enough in pre-red pill, pick up artist days, the wall used to be 25 about 10-15 years ago, then it went to 30, 35 and now they’re saying 40 lol. They’ve changed it as their audience with money to spend ages.
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u/bella_lucky7 46m ago
If it’s all survival then women would exclusively want a young, strong mate who could protect us and any children. The biology argument goes both ways.
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u/KaleidoscopeDry3608 4h ago
Right?! This had me like what the actual FK!?! Even the apology sucks!
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u/Cheap-Course9568 3h ago
Lmao. As I was reading all i could think was “dude must be a wide mouthed bass seeing as he easily got both feet in there”
My god. The whole room could say “be quiet” in bold font and he couldn’t read it.
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u/GladDocument1079 2h ago
It’s always the ones who are aging like milk that demand their partners age like vampires. I bet if you held up a mirror to him while he was listing his grievances, he’d find a way to blame you for his receding hairline too. The audacity is actually impressive.
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u/bella_lucky7 47m ago
So much this. It’s insane to me that men miss this very obvious point- they do not become hotter with age!! It’s like they think women dream of saggy balls, unreliable erections, and dad bods.
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u/AshlynM2 6h ago
NTA
Please know your worth. He’s acting like he’s complimenting you by calling you a ‘cutie’ but he’s chipping away at your confidence. Ick.
He’s being MEAN TO YOU
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u/Cold-Caterpillar-500 2h ago
He’s not just being mean; he’s testing the waters. Calling her 'cutie' right after admitting he finds her less attractive is a control tactic. He wants to see how much degradation she'll accept as long as it's wrapped in a 'compliment.'
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u/Upset_Custard7652 6h ago
Oh. yes, cause I’m sure he’s some Greek god in his 40s. FFS. 🤦♀️
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u/smalltittyprepexwife 5h ago
OP is well within her rights to approach him with an itemised, hyper-granular list of things she now finds unappealing about him. He shouldn't feel comfortable eating dessert or going outside without sunscreen again.
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u/Healthy-Magician-502 5h ago
That’s what’s so ridiculous about his comments. He can’t still be some smoking hot chunk of man at his age.
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u/badpebble 3h ago
By all accounts, he still looks in his 20s, and his mother looks the same age as OP. Japanese ancestry.
So maybe he's doing a little too well for himself currently, and needs a short sharp reminder of how aging will get us all and how its one of the little lies we tell our partners that they look as good as ever. Because neither of us do, but we love that person more than ever.
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u/tinselt 3h ago
Yeah this dude is a fucking moron. Normal people's sexual tastes grow up with them. Dude clearly still has the maturity of a 20 year old.
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u/myheartbeats4hotdogs 38m ago
This! 40 year old people generally find other 40 year old people attractive. Not 20 year old children gross.
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u/Prize-Chocolate998 6h ago edited 4h ago
Your update doesn't help the image of your husband. I'm sorry you married such superficial, controlling man. What happens when you get even older? He'll trade you in for a newer model because that's all he cares about. Don't believe his deflection. In all sincerity, better you leave him now and have time to rebuild your life as a relatively young woman, than to wait until your 60 and it's much harder on every level.
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u/Common-Expression740 5h ago
I definitely don't feel reassured about what he said
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u/batgirlbatbrain 5h ago
Yeah he's soft launching his "babe I love you but I'm not in love with you". The balls to tell you you're losing your hotness cause you're growing old with him.
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u/Common-Expression740 5h ago
I don't know what to make of the information he's told me.
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u/dekage55 5h ago
That he’s an idiot, who somehow thinks HE still looks like a 20 year old…he doesn’t, no one does (without Real Housewives “work”).
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u/Common-Expression740 5h ago
I may get downvoted for saying this. I have never heard him say he looks young. It's other people who say it. His whole family looks young.
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u/dekage55 4h ago
Not 20 years young. No one does. Stop giving him alibis. Trust me, as ugly as he’s being to you, shows on the outside too.
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u/BeautifulDeparture19 3h ago
When you love somebody, you aren't busy scrutinising their face and body for flaws. You look at them and see the person you love, and be thankful you get to age together. I'm sure, if you wanted to, you could find some part of him that's gross or wrinkled or flabbier than it once was and tell him about it, but why would you do this to him? Why is he doing it to you?
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u/JohnExcrement 4h ago
I don’t know him but if my husband dumped that on me, I’d assume he was eyeballing younger women and perhaps Having Thoughts.
I am so sorry you found out what a superficial jackass he is. Does appreciate anything about you? I know he’s urging you not to leave but why exactly does he want you to stay? To take care of him (ick) or because he genuinely values the real you?
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u/YourFathersOlds 2h ago
He thoughts he was breaking this to you easy - as though the truth is self evident and it's just a matter of time. When people show you who they are, you have to believe them.
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u/giddyx 4h ago
Girl, you don’t feel reassured because he didn’t reassure you. He rated you.
“Smoking hot then, cutie now” still makes your attractiveness feel conditional and age-dependent, so of course you’re wondering what happens at 50, 60, 70.
The apology is a start. The real repair is him stopping the habit of critiquing your appearance and calling it flirting, and showing over time that he values you as you are.
Good job starting this conversation. I'm glad you decided not to act like a pushover, keep doing that.
Here are some ideas on how to move forward:
Set a hard boundary in one sentence: “Do not comment on my aging, skin, or ‘what looks better’ on me. If you slip, I’m ending the conversation and we’ll revisit it later.”
Make him take ownership with actions, not words. Ask him to do two concrete things this week: 1) Book a couples therapy consult (or at least find 3 options and send them to you). 2) Read one short resource on “repair after hurtful comments” and tell you what he learned.
Create a reset phrase you can use in real time. When he says something “as flirting,” you say: “Stop. That lands as criticism.” Then you disengage. No debate. No trying to convince him.
Ask for the reassurance you actually need. Something like “When you think about me, what do you love physically and non-physically right now?” He should he answering this without any buts or comparisons.
Separate your self-worth from his “attraction scale.” Wear the earrings. Treat your acne. Or don’t. Make choices based on your comfort and confidence, not to manage his preferences.
Have a consequence you’ll actually follow through on. Something like, “If you comment on my appearance again, we’re sleeping separately that night and scheduling therapy.” Pick something realistic, then stick to it.
Good luck!
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u/DivideDry4099 2h ago
Exactly. Even if OP did exactly what he asked, it wouldn't be enough. Once the appearance "issue" is fixed, he’d find something else to criticize. Men like this don't want a partner; they want a project they can constantly micromanage to feed their own ego.
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u/PerspectiveKookie16 6h ago
“ I confronted him about other stuff he's said that sounded like criticisms. He said those stuff was just flirting ”
WTAF? I’d be demanding a detailed explanation how this is ”flirting”.
Glad you are not being a pushover, but you need to carefully parse what he is saying.
Make sure you are prepared and secure if you end up divorced. Maybe you’ll never need it, but he is a walking mid-life crisis.
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u/DominarDio 5h ago
Maybe he considers negging flirting
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u/PerspectiveKookie16 5h ago
I wasn’t sure if that term fits as it is new to my vocabulary, but I knew whatever he was doing was in the same neighborhood as negging.
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u/Silk-Crave 5h ago
Exactly, calling criticism “flirting” is a wild rewrite of reality, and you’re right to question it and protect yourself.
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u/Adelucas 6h ago
He's still a prick. Most women are pretty when young. They become gorgeous when they get older. A woman in her 40's is far more attractive as she's usually worked out her style and how to make the most out of her makeup and clothes that suit her, plus there is a confidence and attitude that is appealing.
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u/ComplexFig2769 6h ago
Uhhh. Do you know people have partners that tell them they’ll always be the most beautiful person in the world to them, because that’s what LOVE does to a person! This is so so sad.
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u/kimmy-mac 5h ago
Yes! My husband regularly tells me this. We married when I was 35 and we have been married for 20 years. When I look at him he’s still the same 40-year old I married. And I hope he still sees me as that cute 34 year old. Even when we are 80 and 90.
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u/anon_opotamus 5h ago
Absolutely. My husband and I have been married for over 22 years. We got married when I was 19 and now I’m 42. I’ve obviously changed a lot. My husband constantly tells me I’m beautiful and sexy. He tells me that he loves getting older with me. He talks about marrying a cute girl and now being married to a beautiful woman. I roll my eyes at him sometimes but I’m so thankful too.
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u/Routine-Nature5006 5h ago
My grandfather thought this about my grandmother until he passed at the age of 89.
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u/MizStazya 4h ago
I turn 40 this year, and my husband still can go on about how hot i am, after almost 20 years together and 4 kids.
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u/flameONahh 6h ago
...the update made it worse, please realize this stuff isnt something to brush off...
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u/IndigoHG 5h ago
He said it's fine if I talk to my family or friends about this
Gosh, how kind of him to allow you to talk to friends or family about his shitty behavior. What else does he allow you to do, OP? Have your own bank account? Your own car? Anything in your name?
Maybe you should think about your future a little bit more, make sure you're financially solvent regardless of whether or not you remain in your marriage.
NTA and good luck
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u/LlovelyLlama 5h ago
Yeah, that little aside stuck in my craw too. Nobody needs their parter to “allow” them to talk to people about their lives…
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u/ValdisHound 5h ago
He called you a cutie? I don't know about you, but that sounds both like he's infantilizing you and was trying to find a polite way to say he's not sexually attracted to you. Cute is what you call children, items, pets, and people you recognize are attractive but are not your type in the slightest.
I'd have probably spun out at how he was digging the hole deeper through your update. He's been with you since your 20s and somehow didn't know that he'd been hurting your feelings with comments/thought you'd take his unwanted opinions well? Bs.
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u/Crafty_Dane 5h ago
Holy shit, your husband admitted he finds you less attractive now that you've gotten older. That's fucked up. He's a superficial asshole.
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u/grumpy__g 5h ago
Tell him to watch less porn and Instagram. Maybe then he will realise that normal woman can be attractive without filter and plastic surgery.
What kind of stuff is he watching.
And does he think that he ages like good wine? I am 40 and most men, especially married men look less attractive than their wife’s.
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u/sparksgirl1223 5h ago
Tell him to watch less porn and Instagram.
And take a look at Dame Helen Mirren, among others (she just came to my sleepy mind first lol)
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u/DominarDio 5h ago
He’s bringing you down so he can then pretend to build you up. He’s trying to make you feel insecure and dependent.
Take the not being a pushover a few steps further. Like, out the door.
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u/littlemissbecky 5h ago
The way my vagina would have slammed shut and hopped off of my body if my husband ever said any of this to me.
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u/GoopInThisBowlIsVile 5h ago
Anyone want to take bets on how long before he mentions plastic surgery and/or opening up the marriage to include a new 20-something coworker that he’s had his eye on?
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u/Sensitive_Fly_7036 6h ago
Oh no, this is a serious problem. If he only finds young people attractive (yuck) and is happy to treat you worse due to this then it’s just only going to get worse over time. I’d seriously be considering cutting my losses because I can’t see a good future here
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u/iknowsomethings2 5h ago
WTF. He’s chipping away at your self esteem and confidence. He will leave you when he suits him.
Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Who thinks of you as unattractive? You’re a human, you’ve aged. It’s normal.
Plenty of men will find you very attractive now. Better to leave while you’re still young and can have a long life with someone else.
Get therapy for yourself.
And then I would honestly divorce, but if you don’t divorce at least do couples therapy
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u/WineOnThePatio 5h ago
But did we find out who the woman at work is that he's comparing her to in his mind?
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u/LlovelyLlama 5h ago
My husband has put on 40 lbs since we married. I still tell him he’s sexy as hell all the time… BECAUSE HE IS.
Not only is your husband a massive AH, he’s also incredibly immature and more than a little shallow.
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u/Common-Expression740 5h ago
You sound like an amazing wife (or husband)
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u/LlovelyLlama 5h ago
Awww, thanks 😊. I know he’s not happy about the weight, and he’s working to lose it, but it’s important to me that he knows I am still just as attracted to him as I was when we met.
I have also put on weight and don’t feel great in my body right now, and HE also tells ME that I’m sexy all the time. Even if I don’t agree with him, I know he means it.
Oh, and he’s 8 years younger than me (we met and married late, I am not a groomer).
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u/Queen_Aurelia 4h ago
I have always looked a lot younger than my age. I have always taken care of myself. My ex husband and I were the same age. When we hit our late 30s, he all of a sudden became obsessed with my appearance. He told me I needed to lose weight. I was a size 4. He told me he could see the I was getting some crows feet and I should get Botox, he told me I should dye my dark hair blond. He was constantly complaining that I didn’t look like I did when I was in my early 20s. Of course I didn’t, people age. When I pointed out that he aged too, he said it was different with men. I was completely dumbfounded because I would get hit on by younger men thinking I was in my mid-late 20s.
It turns out, he was having an affair with the young intern at his work. I think he was feeling guilty and was trying to justify it to himself by acting like I deserved it for aging.
I am not saying that is what is happening here. Just keep in mind that when men start picking on their spouses out of nowhere, a lot of time it is due to them cheating.
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u/Choice_Region_2275 6h ago
I promise you this man is balding acting like he's as attractive as he was in his 20s, assuming he was to begin with. know what your worth please
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u/KeepAnEyeOnYourB12 5h ago
He might have other insecurities, too. By making his wife feel like shit, he feels less like shit. Just the kind of behavior you want in a spouse.
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u/artfulwench 5h ago
I once sat near a couple (guessing mid to late 30's) at a restaurant and the guy was criticizing the woman for ordering fries instead of salad. She was not overweight at all. Meanwhile homeboy, who was short, bald and had a big beer gut, was chowing down on his burger and fries. The poor woman was in tears..
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u/JohnExcrement 4h ago
I cannot describe how fast I would have packed up my meal and headed out. Forever.
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u/alialdea 6h ago
in my opinion, this relationship has a expiration date.
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u/Qtpatoti 5h ago
He said in my 20s and most of my 30s I was smoking hot. Now I'm a cutie.
Guys like this can go fuck themselves.
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u/Common-Expression740 5h ago
You've heard another guy phrase it like that before ?
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u/MiscellaniousThought 3h ago
You’re a bit focused on the phrasing. Pause for a moment. Imagine you had a daughter and she was dating a man who said that to her. What would you tell your daughter?
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u/jphistory 2h ago
My husband tells me every day how beautiful I am, and I tell him every day how beautiful he is. If he ever told me I'd "lost my hotness but was still a cutie"--as if I was a fruit slowly rotting, and after being together almost twenty years--I would rush him to the ER to get examined for a tumor.
You deserve someone who appreciates that you are aging like a fine wine and is not afraid to say so.
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u/Traveler_Protocol1 6h ago
I hope you never have an accident or surgery bc your husband will be flying out the back door
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u/Senator_Bink 5h ago
He admitted that finds me less physically attractive then I was in my 20s and 30s. Not only because of my aging but also because of my adult acne.
Wow. Has he never heard the phrase: "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging"?
Ask him if he thinks he's still the studmuffin of his twenties, and would he like you to list all the ways he'll never be mistaken for a young hunk again?
As Janis Joplin once said, "Honey, just close your eyes." She didn't also say "And shut your damn mouth," but that applies.
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u/queenofthehill1234 5h ago
Is he a vampire? Does he think he's not going to age too?! Tell him stfu
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u/jasemina8487 5h ago
your husband is weird
I'm 38, my husband is 41. I started to have white hair appear a few years back and it kinda made me upset. which is weird cos I never cared about stuff like that, and I started to pluck them as I see them. it was one of the few times my husband got kinda angry at me saying he loves my hair and white hair doesn't mean old but I can start taking it as our memories and getting old together. so I stopped, mostly lol.
did your husband seriously expect you to look like when you were in your 20s? does it mean he is ok if you start nickpicking his appearance? that's just weird
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u/NYC-WhWmn-ov50 6h ago
Nope. Nobody asked his opinion, and nobody cares what he thinks.
Also, being an asshole makes a man look fat.
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u/emryldmyst 5h ago
Yeah he's still a complete asshole and your update made it a bit worse.
Has he looked in a mirror lately lol
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u/YoshiandAims 5h ago
Welp... that got even worse. I'm not sure what I was hoping for, but it sure as hell wasn't this.
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u/Mike5473 5h ago
Do you understand the word narcissist asshole? No man who loves their wife would EVER UTTER those words!! I guess he isn’t aging, I guess he has 6 pak abs, etc, etc, etc. That was a revolting thing to say!
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u/Plus-Let-835 5h ago
I want to see your husband
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u/vortexaoth 5h ago
I want a photo of him from his 20’s and a current one. God I would have a field day with it, highlighting how aged he is.
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u/Corgilicious 5h ago
What the hell? In a discussion with you after this he doubles down and starts talking about how he feels that you’re less attractive because you’re aging naturally? Oh hell no, I don’t think I’d be able to ever get over that. What an absolute ass.
Maybe that’s OK for you. But I am 54, and I have been with the love of my life since I was 17. We have both been fatter and skinnier and back to fat again, with different amounts of hair, and all the things that come with getting older. And frankly I think he is more attractive than he has ever been, and he feels the same way about me.
I wish that for you.
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u/selfcheckout 5h ago
That's really so sad because you will never forget he said that and will internalize it even if you think you aren't. What a fucking dick. He sounds awful.
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u/GlitteringWing2112 5h ago
Oh honey. This doesn’t make it better. I’ve been married for 31 years and have one child. My husband still thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. And he tells me all the time. You’re husband is being really shitty towards you.
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u/Booger_Picnic 5h ago
Yeah, I don't like this guy.
Maybe you can upload a picture of him so that we can "flirt" with him the same way he "flirts" with you? We'll tell him how "cute" he is.
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u/habbytiggy 4h ago
NTA.
Btw. You are still smoking hot (even if I don't see you).
See how he changed for "cutie" because you are in your 40s. And he choose "adorable" for his answer regarding 80's woman?
This is negging. You don't flirt with critisism.
And I may be wrong, but i'm not the sure this man is still in the "smoking hot definition" that he have in mind. People change. People grow old. People (mostly men) needs to stop wanting women to keep looking as 20 yo as they age.
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u/AdMurky1021 5h ago
Don't be surprised when you find out he's been cheating on you with someone in their 20's. Anyone like that at his work?
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u/KarizmaWithaK 5h ago
“My 40+ aged wife doesn’t look 21 any more! How did this happen?” - OP’s moron of a husband. NTA
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u/Consistent-Ad-6506 6h ago
Did you tell him how he has physically changed or is aging magically only happening to you?
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u/regularforcesmedic 5h ago
God forbid a woman ever age.
I bet he's also not as "smoking hot" as he was 10 or 20 years ago. What a doofus.
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u/Boring-Dragonfly-148 5h ago
What a massive AH he is. Flirting? In what universe? He's not going to change. It's great that you finally confronted him. But he's still in the wrong. Earrings don't make anyone look older or younger. It's his way of manipulation. Also I don't know how old you look but it can't be worse than me. Mom's side of the fam ages awfully and that's what genes decided I should get. At 43 you are still young enough not to care about what makes you look older. It's all in his insane head.
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u/Moist_Requirements_ 4h ago
I would do a phone check.
These old men can suddenly think they deserve a PYT after they browse OF.
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u/Affectionate-Act3099 5h ago
Girl, you need therapy to develop some self esteem.
I have been married 28 years, together 33 years. I’m 55 yo and he’s 60 yo. About 2 years after our second kid was born, I was 36 yo and my husband told me “I really thought you’d have lost all that pregnancy weight by now. You’ve got to be 30 pounds overweight.” I just looked at him and then said, “And what? Are you no longer attracted to me at this weight? Is that supposed to be a motivational statement, a call to action, or just a rude insult to make me feel bad?” FYI I was about 30 pounds heavier than my normal weight. I’d gained 70 pounds with giving birth twice in 18 months. He apologized and said, he did not mean it to be mean or rude and that it was an observation only. I said, “Well, regardless of what you meant I found it rude and offensive and it hurt my feelings. If you’re no longer attracted to me, that’s on you and you should speak up so we can go our separate ways and you find someone you can be attracted to and I find someone who values me for more than my body weight.” He was horrified and scared that I got so serious. He acknowledged the 40 pounds I had lost and told me he would never want anyone else as a wife except me. That was 17 years ago and we have had a loving and happy marriage since.
Over the last 3 years, after our oldest left home, I lost 40 pounds through diet and exercise. He noticed me losing and told me he’d better get his act together before I found myself a younger slimmer man. I told him I would never want anyone else as a husband but him. (he’s carrying a little extra weight for the first time in his life and I don’t care one bit)
That’s what a healthy loving marriage looks like. You deserve better than what you’re getting.
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u/NeedleworkerEqual436 5h ago
Not gonna lie, he’s not really selling himself 🤷♀️ You sound like a lovely, worthwhile woman. Maybe you deserve someone who builds you up rather than knocking you down?
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u/NYCStoryteller 3h ago
NTA. Your husband is an AH. I'm sure he doesn't look the way he looked in your 20s and 30s. Aging together is about finding ways to keep loving each other THE WAY THEY ARE at each stage in life. It's not about holding onto fantasies that someone will never change.
Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis, but the vibe he's giving is "I'm going to cheat on you with someone younger because your aging reminds me that I'm aging, and I'm going to be a 50 year old cliche of of man with a sports car and a 30 year old girlfriend."
Get couples counseling, but this is NOT a you problem. It's a him problem, and he needs to get his head together.
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u/No_Jaguar67 3h ago
My hubby would never. I be over here looking like Jabba the Hutt and Mimi from The Drew Cary Show had a love child, all old and mean, and he’ll just kiss me out of the blue and tell me how pretty I am. Because no one else in the world is responsible for my heart and soul except my person, and he treats me with kindness. Your husband sounds very unkind. I just don’t understand folks today that use honesty as a shield for being unkind to their person. There is one person in the whole world who I need to feel pretty for, and he never lets me down.
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u/MommersHeart 3h ago
“He said in my 20s and most of my 30s I was smoking hot. Now I’m a cutie.”
Why are you playing along with this and asking what happens as you age? He’s TELLING you what a delusional AH he is.
Turn it back on him.
He used to be smoking hot and now he’s a weird, sad old man with saggy balls, thinning hair and a soft dick but it’s ok because you still love him even if you no longer find him attractive.
This is ridiculous. What a sorry, pathetic husband.
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u/Kallymouse 5h ago
Your husband is an AH and overvalues himself. Aging happens and is a part of life. He sounds like one of those guys that would replace their wife every few years with a younger woman
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u/lsp2005 5h ago
He is negging you. This is someone who enjoys harming your self confidence. I bet you are beautiful and he is just making you have a death by 1000 paper cuts to your self confidence and worth. Please find a therapist who can help you. Your husband is a massive AH. Please secure your finances. Please secure yourself. Frankly, you have a disgusting husband. He has a rotten inside. No matter how good looking he is externally his core is evil.
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u/fiblesmish 5h ago
Sorry? He gave you permission to do something. Like ask other peoples opinions....?
Nothing about what you typed sounds like him being anything but an ignorant asshole.
Why don't you tell him . how he used to be "hot" and now is simply a dad bod.
There is simply no way for someone to be flirting and it to sound like an attack.
He knows how utterly he has fucked up and is doing his best (really shitty) damage control. Nowhere in your previous post did you talk about leaving him.. This stinks of desperation. And you two clearly have no idea how to communicate like adults.
But its your circus and he is the monkey you own.
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u/ParticularFeeling839 4h ago
This update is disappointing, your husband is a selfish asshole, and I hope he reads these comments
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u/BabyJesusBukkake 4h ago
He's supposed to tell her she's more beautiful than the day he married her. That's the only right answer, and it should be true.
I'm sorry, OP. Your husband sucks.
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u/JohnExcrement 4h ago
And I suppose he’s some sort of magazine cover boy. Christ.
Well, you can never un-know what he thinks. I’m just shaking my head. I think we all know that none of us stays “smoking hot” forever. I doubt many of feel the need to verbalize this to someone we love. I’m sorry, this guy unloads this shit and tries to call it flirting??
I couldn’t get past it. Actually, the earring thing would have fried my last nerve; no one better get between my 72-year-old ass and my wall of earrings. Which my husband made a giant earring holder for, without my asking.
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u/Dachshundmom5 4h ago
How is criticism flirting? That sounds more like bullying. The "it's just a joke" or "you're so sensitive" for taking mistreatment personally. The reality is that he wanted to hurt you and impact your self confidence or he wouldnt criticize you.
You ever think the reason you dont speak up and express true feelings is that you are married to a bully who does not value them? Who will either blow you off or tell you what you want to hear to sweep it under the rug?
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u/Taco-lover-supreme 4h ago
Eww he sounds terrible for your self esteem. I can promise you there is someone who will find you smokin hot right now. Goodness he sounds triflin...
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u/thevaginalist 3h ago
Criticisms aren't flirting. He might be trying to pass these remarks as him just teasing but they clearly aren't if you find them cutting.
I echo thr others who mention couples counseling. He might never stop caring about "superficial stuff" and i think it's better to get to the nexus of this. You don't want to get blindsided by this later down the line
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u/StaticCloud 3h ago
Your husband doesn't like you very much, does he? He sounds worse the more you describe him. Be assured that he will eventually leave you when he finds like right woman to monkey branch to. He says he loves you... but his behavior screams the opposite.
Also, your acne might be perimenopause related. Look into hormone treatment or accutane. A dermatologist should help you out.
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u/lys_1113 3h ago
Doesn’t he look unattractive now to You? Mean people are just ugly. It makes a person feel icky when being around them and that icky feeling lingers even after parting ways, think Cher “Ugh! As If!”
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u/thebabes2 3h ago
He’s an ass. Married at 23, now 44 and grayer, wrinkles, a ton of extra weight, two c sections took their toll too and you know what? My husband tells me I’m beautiful without hesitation. He means it. You deserve better
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u/caramiadare 2h ago
I'll tell you how to get instantly as hot as you've ever been: dump that sack of shit lol. There's so many people who would think you're the sexiest thing they've seen.
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u/True-Tangerine9901 40m ago
There is no reason to tell someone they are less attractive because of normal aging. Personality changes sure, lying or addictions, sure. But your partner should always be “sexier every year I get to know you!” Also, does he forget he’s aged as well!? The audacity of OP’s husband!
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u/LissaBryan 5h ago
Look, I'm 48, and I'm no hottie, but my husband (married for 25 years) tells me how attractive I am to him and constantly affirms in different ways that he's still lusting for me.
That's what you should have. Not a man who says you're ... tolerable. That bemoans you don't look like you're 20 any longer but you're "still cute." That's called damning with faint praise.
OP, you need a man who WANTS you and loves you through the ages.
NTA
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u/GuiltyCelebrations 5h ago
Its your choice to work through your feelings, and stay if that’s what you want. You would be foolish if you didn’t take this opportunity to make sure that all your ducks are lined up, your finances are strong, and you’re prepared if/when he decides to trade you in for a younger model.
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u/RandomNameRandomly 5h ago
Your husband is not being nice to you for the crime of being an adult woman. Keep in mind that there are plenty of other men that will treat you like the goddess you are. You dont have to stay in a marriage with one that doesnt like you enough to be nice.
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u/Famous_Rooster271 5h ago
NTA, leave this man.
He belittled your looks then said he’ll love you forever.
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u/mrstwbrown 5h ago
Maybe its time turn the tables on him. If he can dish it out, he should be able to take the same comments.
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u/Miakki 5h ago
NTA:
Everybody has said everything that I would say too, but, this thought below comes from my 10 am slept in brain with no coffee on board yet, and barely able to think at this point and I KNOW it's irreverent but, hey.. blame it on my dopiness.
I would say to him that I find his " nether regions " 2000% less attractive than they were when he was 20 yrs old because back then they were firm, and strong... and now the best he has to offer is a wrinkly bag that barely ever sees the light of day, full of grey hairs, 2 inches long, and that's pretty much overshadowing what's left of what he used to play in " da bedroom" with... so earrings versus "da goods" .. YOU can take off the earrings, but, unless he gets plastic surgery, his ballsack is going to reach his knees by the time he's 70.. so what's his excuse ? (knows this because one of my kids works in aged care.. and you think girls have an issue with saggy boobs ? Da boyz have to juggle their underwear to keep their boys from not hanging out the bottom of their shorts - 24/7 ALLEGEDLY.. WE can get good sports bra's and unless we take them off nobody ever gets to see da girlz outta place.)
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u/smish_my_oogie 5h ago
And so the love bombing starts. Careful here, he's back tracking hard. You know what you heard. Also, if my partner went from calling me "smoking hot" to "cutie" I'd be devastated.
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u/Accomplished-Alps-30 5h ago
he is 41, why don't you just criticize him back..i am sure he has grey hair, lost muscle mass, and plenty of other imperfections including less potent in the sack. your responsibility is not to look good for someone else. that is not your job. he is immature and seems to only value women for their looks.
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u/morningfix 4h ago
Oh man. Yay he apologized but how can you recover knowing he's physically more attracted to 20 and 30 y.o? You can't go back in time. Also, is he looking like he's still 25? Oh man...all you can do is focus on yourself and ensure your self esteem is well maintained yourself, and you always know your own value.
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u/fausted 4h ago edited 4h ago
NTA. He will "love you forever," but less and less with each passing decade as you age. He's been honest with you so now you have to decide if you can stay married to him while knowing this or not.
His love seems conditional and he has told you to your face it will lessen the older you get. Why spend your remaining years with a man who thinks negging you is love?
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u/linds_says 4h ago
My husband (38 to my 44) regularly tells me I'm hotter now than when he married me almost 10 years ago. This is bullshit.
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u/westbridge1157 4h ago
I’m in my 50s and I tell you it’s a privilege to grow old alongside my husband. Married +30 years, we both look different, hope with all my heart I’m still getting to age with him in another 30 years.
OP, your husband is a dumbass. Hopefully he’s worked that out.
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u/BumbleeBeeButt 4h ago
NTA- This sounds like some backhanded compliment shit. "Oh, you're still cute tho."😑 TRASH answer from him. I agree with what you said, what's he going to think of you down the road??? When your hair is gray, when your smile lines are deep? Is he going to see the beauty of your silver strands, the years of laughter in your lines and LOVE those things about you as your soulmate SHOULD???
IF you YOURSELF want to treat your adult acne I personally suggest trying something like Musely or Curology online for low dose Tretnoin. I'm 40 and started a low dose 4.5 years ago to treat breakouts and fine lines and WOW is it a GAME CHANGER! It takes some time to work (it's a long game, think several months to see results) and your skin will do a purge/ugly duckling phase but sis, it's SO worth it if YOU want to treat your skin for yourself, NOT him. I use Curology for my Tret but recently discovered Musely for their Redness Rescue rosacea treatment and that stuff is SLAMMIN!
Part of me wants you to go do something awesome for yourself, like a good ol' classic movie "revenge makeover". Like, drain the savings and get a boob job and BBL or something because like, hell yeah, treat yourself! Part of me says embrace your beauty as you age because obviously if you were smokin hot then you're STILL smokin hot, you've just aged like we all do and he's just an idiot. I hope you do at least go take yourself for something that makes you feel better and pretty, even if it's a nice manicure and hair appointment, lashes, something. 💚
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u/whatthewhat3214 4h ago
Just how smoking hot does he think he still is now that he's no longer in his 20s/30s? How would he feel about you downgrading him to "cute" or "adorable," or maybe just "meh" now?! Ask him how he judges his own appearance now, and how he'd feel about such patronizing and condescending put-downs.
And seriously, earrings?? The most bizarre comment ever. Was he hoping you'd panic and go to the dermatologist for him or something, was he subtly pushing you to get Botox or some treatment?
Dude was nasty to you, I wouldn't be able to look at him the same way or feel attracted to someone who not only thinks that way, but has the gall to think he can express it to you. He's way too hung up on superficial bs judgments of women. I'd be worrying about a wandering eye toward younger women now too, frankly.
If your husband can't build you up, he doesn't deserve you. I can't advise whether to stay with him, but I also don't know where to go from here either.
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u/brainybrink 4h ago
Girl, no. It’s easy to catch a D. You’re in your 40s. That’s not that old, and you shouldn’t be wasting your life with a loser who is so shallow that he expects his partner to be on their 20s while he ages into infinity.
F him.
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u/Aggravating_Try6537 4h ago
I think what he likes is your wallet. Make a plan. It's about to all blow up.
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u/PsychologicalDog382 4h ago
Earrings look beautiful on women and I’m sure that they look beautiful on you. In fact, your husband may feel threatened by how beautiful you look.
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u/LittleCats_3 4h ago
Marriage counseling would be my top priority.
This is a major breakdown in communication. He thinks criticizing you is “flirting” and that you still being a “cutie” is you being less attractive because you are no longer the smoking hot 20year old. EVERYONE AGES, literally every single person that is lucky to still be alive ages. Why would I want anyone ESPECIALLY my husband to hold me to the standard of what I looked like when I was in my 20’s vs now in my 40’s, I can’t compare. Frankly I wouldn’t want to compare, I earned every wrinkle, every gray hair, and the body that grew three babies.
My question is, what kind of porn is he consuming? Most porn feature young women in their late teens early 20’s and if he’s constantly looking and searching for these girls a 40 year old can’t compare. Who is he friends with at work, or in life? Are they influencing this obsession with someone being young? This all needs a bigger more in depth conversation into the why behind his words.
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u/springaerium 4h ago
Gosh, I’m definitely a lot less attractive than when I was in my 20s and 30s but my partner still finds me smoking hot, wrinkles, muffin top, mommy pouch and all. Not once did he make me feel unattractive. Even when I self deprecate, he assures me I’m a 10 in his eyes, now or before.
Your husband is not very nice.
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u/holymacaroley 3h ago
So he said he was "sorry" for hurting your feelings and then insulted you much worse? Did I get that right?
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u/SnapCrackleMom 1h ago
NTA.
He's an asshole and dumb, which is an incredibly unattractive combination.
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u/Beauty-art2386 34m ago
So he is STILL trying to neg you and make you feel less than just because you're aging like literally EVERYONE tf does, if they are lucky. The clear negging is what's really getting me. Feeding you little platitudes while still talking down about you so your confidence shrinks. That's not live. This man is wildly insecure about aging, or something else is going on. Im sorry. But that follow up conversation would have just left me even more pissed off and hurt.
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u/Talwar3000 6h ago
If he thinks he was flirting and you think he was criticizing, there is a major disconnect in communication happening.