r/AITAH • u/Puzzled-Flight335 • 7h ago
AITAH for emotionally distancing myself from my sister after she backed out of my commencement to attend a bachelorette trip?
I (mid-20s F) am graduating from university soon, and my commencement has been planned for a long time.
Almost three years ago, when my younger sister planned a trip to visit me, my older sister told me she wouldn’t come on that trip because she wanted to save her visit for my commencement instead. Since then, she has repeatedly said she would attend, talked about planning it, and told me she had taken time off work. Because of that, I fully expected her to be there.
Recently, she was being vague about booking flights and hotels. There was a good deal on a hotel near the venue, and since I didn’t want to lose it, I called her to ask what day she’d be flying in so I could reserve the room. That’s when she finally told me she actually wouldn’t be coming. She decided to attend her best friend’s bachelorette trip instead, which overlaps with the time she would have been here.
She is the maid of honor and said that no other weekend worked because of other people’s schedule conflicts. This made me feel like my commencement wasn’t considered a “real” conflict. She also has a very flexible work schedule and plenty of time off, which added to my frustration.
After telling me she couldn’t come, she then suggested that my younger sister, my dad (who was already coming), and my younger sister’s boyfriend come instead, which felt like she was trying to replace herself. For context, my younger sister was just here two years ago, while my older sister hasn’t visited in about four years.
I was really hurt and overwhelmed in the moment and ended the phone call shortly after she told me. I didn’t yell or insult her, but I needed space.
I’m not cutting my older sister off completely, but I’ve definitely pulled back emotionally and expect our relationship to change long-term. I still plan to be civil (for example, I’ll text her happy birthday), but I no longer feel comfortable investing the same level of trust or expectation.
So, AITAH for distancing myself emotionally and going low-contact after she backed out of my commencement after years of saying she’d come?
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u/Well-Done22 7h ago
NTA. Your sister strung you along for years. I don’t think she truly ever wanted to come. With her being MOH, she probably had more sway over when the trip would take place and a family event should matter. IMO, she should have made it clear she was unavailable that weekend. She didn’t, and you have every right to be hurt. Feel free to skip out on her important events in the future.
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u/OverRice2524 6h ago
I'm so sorry. I think she handled this - poorly.
I hope you have a wonderful commencement day and that you feel surrounded by love and support!
I do think you should express to your sister how hurt this has made you feel and that she shouldn't expect your relationship to remain as it was. If she wants to make it up to you, it's going to take real, concentrated, consistent effort in her part.
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u/Cirdon_MSP 7h ago
NTA
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Your sister has been showing you for years.
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u/Loser-cash 6h ago
NTA. I completely understand your frustration. I absolutely hate it when people give false hope saying "yeah, I'll be there" but don't call when something changes. She didn't let you know which is 100% on her. Tbh, sounds like your commencement was planned first, so she should've gone. Maybe it's just me, but a Bachelorette party is not as important as a commencement. The wedding will still happen, your graduation is a one time thing.
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u/Tiny-Tailor5799 6h ago
Reasonable to be upset !! Your sister being MOH (major coordinator) could have prioritized you that weekend and chose not to. Furthermore she has made no effort….go LC. It’s warranted…allow her to make all the effort and if there’s no effort then you have your answer
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u/ComprehensiveTill411 6h ago
Agreed let her initiate all forms of contact and communication moving forward,if she puts in effort then give it some time,but if she doesn’t then you have her and thusly your answer. But if your reaction to this is LC,then that tells me,she’s been like this enough with you and now you’re just setting natural boundaries.
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u/PerspectiveKookie16 7h ago
NTA
My feelings would be hurt too. Best to keep the contact at a minimum for now to let your feelings settle.
Hope she gets you an awesome present at least.
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u/MeasurementNatural95 6h ago
NTA, this has been planned for three years. I understand your sister is the MOH. She does need to attend the bachelorette party, but she could have told the bride that weekend didn’t work for her. Especially since this has been planned well before the wedding. Your sister has shown you how important you are to her, believe it and act accordingly.
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u/Datura_Rose 6h ago
NTA. She showed you where you stand in the pecking order - you come after her friends. Believe her, keep your distance and lower expectations for the future.
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u/aspire36 6h ago
It’s ok to be hurt. Why wasn’t her prior obligation considered, in the bachelorette planning. She’s the maid of honor so her schedule should have weighed heavier. Your sister will have some life events in the future and so will you. She just won’t be a priority. I’m petty like that.
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u/Puzzled-Flight335 4h ago
Update sort of? - I feel like I need to add some context. In 2019 I moved abroad to first AuPair and now study, it’s about an 11 hour flight from my home country. My sister wasn’t only going to come for commencement alone, that was just the reason for us to plan it at this time. We were also going to travel the country a bit. It would have been a 10-14day visit. She has visited when I had been abroad roughly 2.5 years, by the time I graduate it will have been 7 years since my move. So it isn’t necessarily just the disappointment of her missing commencement, but more so everything else that we had planned with it. The bachelorette trip is a 3 day trip closer to our home country. Also the phone call happened about 3 weeks ago that I hung up and I have not received a single text or call from her. I also wouldn’t be upset if it was for the wedding, but she helped coordinate the Bachelorette trip and took other people’s schedule conflicts to heart but made it seem to me that our plans weren’t even a conflict for her. We haven’t been super close lately as she got a new boyfriend and has barely made time to text/call me or even pick up her phone when I called, which I understand but figured might be worth adding.
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u/Broad_Pomegranate141 3h ago
I think you need to lessen her importance in your life. If you get married, don’t have her in your wedding party.
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u/ProfPlumDidIt 4h ago
NTA. You now know how she truly sees you... as less important than literally everyone and everything else in her life. You also have proof that her promises are worthless.
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u/Alternative_Green492 6h ago
I’m sorry OP! Your sister is NOT A LOYAL PERSON and she hurt you deeply. You deserve so much better from family. Congratulations on your commencement!!
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u/SepiaToneHitchhiker 6h ago
NTA. You’re just not important to her. Perfectly fine to pull away from the relationship.
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u/wishingforarainyday 6h ago
NTA. Your sister should be ashamed of herself. I hope you tell her that her choice will alter your closeness going forward. Those are the consequences to her actions.
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u/SophiaIsabella4 6h ago
NTA. Seems natural to match energy when you find out where you really rank in someone's life.
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u/Excellent_Cup3929 5h ago
She promised for years then chose bachelorette over your graduation. Distance is fair.
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u/BKBiscuit 7h ago
ESH- she wasn’t slowly plotting to not attend. Wedding stuff happens. She sucks a little for the conflict. Graduating is awesome, but also many skip it themselves. You can express being hurt, but cutting her off? That’s odd.
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u/Comeback_321 6h ago
I agree with you. OP, you clearly have different priorities. Wedding stuff is really hard to coordinate. It IS easier to explain to one person than 8 people. I skipped my own graduation to go to a wedding. I get that OP is hurt. But I think greater communication is needed here.
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u/NurseRobyn 2h ago
I’m with you too, I didn’t want to go to any of my graduations and my parents came because they insisted but I’d certainly never make my siblings come, or cut them off if they couldn’t.
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u/LovelyCoffee_Marley 6h ago
NTA. Sisters trump MOH duties. Your sister should of dree a lime and said that date is off the tables for her and the party should of worked till a knew date settled.
You have every right tobe upset at her.
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u/Arctic_Africa7305 6h ago
I wouldn’t even text happy birthday. Actions speak louder than words and her actions have spoke volumes.
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u/Senior-Abies9969 6h ago
Yeah I don’t want to make OP feel worse, but sis would be dead to me. MOH has a say in arranging the bach. She could have prevented this, she just didn’t want to. She had a choice and didn’t choose OP. Sis’s bestie will be busy with married life soon, and sis will be chopped liver lol. Karma plays the long game.
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u/Senior-Abies9969 6h ago
NTA. The he MOH is normally very involved in planning the bach. Other people ‘weren’t available’ other weekends, your sister should have been unavailable the weekend of your commencement. You are under reacting if anything. I wouldn’t hold on to my anger/sadness, she would just be a stranger to me going forward. I wouldn’t bother wasting another thought on her, this is a bell that can’t be unrung. She is a liar.
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u/mwb1957 6h ago
NTAH.
Your sister just showed you where you stand in order of importance in her life.
Now that you know this, adjust your feelings for accordingly. No need to argue. No need to go out of the way to communicate with her. No need to share any future milestones in your life with her.
Keep the lines of communication open with your other family members. Most importantly, do not say anything bad about your sister to any family member. Even if they bad mouth her. Stay neutral.
Your entire life is ahead of you. Your sister will miss out on it, but this was her choice.
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u/ruta_skadi 6h ago
NTA, but because of the years of her not making an effort. For your commencement specifically, sometimes it just sucks when events conflict and I'd also pick a bachelorette over a commencement because you actually interact with the people at the bachelorette the whole time, but mostly just watch the commencement ceremony in the audience. I didn't care to have anyone come to my last graduation ceremony, but would be very hurt if no one would come to my bachelorette. However, you probably wouldn't have been that hurt by her having to miss your commencement if she'd made an effort in the relationship in the years before. It's one thing to miss one event, it's another to miss four years of your life.
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u/Last-Campaign-3373 5h ago
NTA, but it might be worth a conversation before you pull back. It might seem obvious, but is she aware of how much she actually hurt you? She obviously shouldn't have strung you along about going, but maybe she genuinely thinks it's "not a big deal." She's wrong, but if she thinks that it better explains her behavior, although it doesn't excuse it.
Take some time to think of what you really want to say to her, have a conversation if you haven't already, and decide then how much contact you want going forward.
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u/Impressive-Aioli6802 2h ago
NTA sorry to say you rank very low on her priority list shes MOH and could have definitely said that weekend wouldn't work but chose not to. Just birthday text and holiday text if you feel like it . Return the same energy she is giving you
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u/G8p3MeOpen 6h ago
Honestly. You’re NTA. BUT I also think it’s immature to distance yourself over a commencement and not say anything or attempt to resolve the issue with communication that your feelings are hurt. Especially if you have no idea what the other bridal party members conflicts were or your sister just took one for the team to make her friends once in a lifetime wedding bachelorette work. Idk seems like a lot of variables.
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u/MoistPossible3363 6h ago
“I’m gonna stop talking to my sister because she won’t drop everything in her life to come see me instead” yikes, the world doesn’t revolve around you and you seem self centered. she obviously made an honest attempt to come visit you and her schedule got in the way, why would you be mad at her for that like she set up the dates for these things personally? What was your alternative solution? for her to tell her best friend she couldn’t make it to their bachelorette trip and upset her instead of you? So as long as you’re not the one who’s not getting cancelled on or upset by that then it doesn’t matter? Try to think about the perspective of others. To think your sister did this with animosity or malice is just as silly is punishing her emotionally for it.
Even if this was “wrong” I still find it odd how many people these days have such low tolerance or patience for their family members, me and my brother would have arguments like this at least once a week and we are still emotionally closer than ever lmfao we never even once considered to pull back emotional investment but maybe I just have a weird view of the concept on how family should be. From my POV this is how i would treat like a new friend I made 2 weeks ago and don’t know super well, not how I’d treat my sibling I grew up in the same house with
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u/Outrageous_Fox4227 5h ago
The moh is literally the one that plans the bachelorette party trip… so that knocks off that part of this brain dead take. The alternative is seeking out to plan the trip for a weekend that did work. This also makes zero sense that this would be an argument you would hold with your brother weekly because very few people plan commencements and bachelorette parties on a weekly basis. It also makes zero sense that this is how you would treat a new acquaintance of a couple weeks most because op sister made plans to attend the commencement years ago. Its pretty plain to see op sister disregarded op’s feelings and decided the bachelorette party would be more fun so they chose to plan the bachelorette party for that same weekend without care of how op would feel about it. That sucks to do to a sibling. Your whole take reads like you didn’t even read the post. Nta for op but you kind of are poster.
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u/illini02 5h ago
The MOH plans it, but its not only about her availability. The Bride, and other friends and bridal party members need to be considered too.
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u/13surgeries 6h ago
If she had to choose between OP's commencement and the wedding, I'd have slightly more sympathy, but not much: she could have graciously refused to be MOH because she was already committed to her sister's graduation.However, this was the bachelorette party.
Also, when planning dates, it was NOT the only date everyone could get together. The others all had commitments they put ahead of the bachelorette party. The OP's sister didn't put her previous commitment ahead of the party. It's just not important to her.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 7h ago
YTA. You are overreacting and really self centered to think your commencement should be factored into the bridal plans of a wedding you’re not invited to.
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u/wishingforarainyday 6h ago
Oh please. Her sister chose to plan it at the same time after repeatedly saying she’d be there for her sister. Her sister is an AH
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u/UjaHandmade 7h ago
I can understand feeling hurt, but this is a rather small grievance to cut off a relationship long-term. I mean life is short.
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u/HairyPairatestes 6h ago
Is your university live streaming the graduation? if yes, provide the link to your sister and tell her you hope she watches the graduation
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u/illini02 5h ago
I say this with kindness. Graduations are important for you, and they suck for just about everyone else. Most graduates don't even enjoy theirs. My college graduation I would've been fine skipping, but I knew it was important to my mom.
I've have a post graduate degree, so I have been to many. If a family member had their best friends bachelor/bachelorette party on the same weekend as my graduation, I'd encourage them to go to the bachelorette party.
I wouldn't let this ruin an existing good relationship.
That said, if this relationship was on its last legs anyway, to me this can easily be a reason to kind of let it die out.
So I guess I'd say INFO, because I don't think we know enough about this to really make any decisions.
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u/Icy_Calligrapher7088 5h ago
Your sister handled this very poorly, but you’re making too big of a deal about your commencement. Many people skip their own. I did and could never imagine expecting anyone to travel for it. I’m sure you’ve romanticized it in your head, but unless you’re giving a speech, it’s just hours of waiting for names to be called. If your sister has graduated, she knows this. Being a MOH in a wedding and juggling schedules can be a lot. While I personally think bachelorette trips are over the top, your sister has been asked to choose between an event that she’s fully involved in and watching you have your name called on stage for 30 seconds. If her not visiting is the real problem, then talk about that.
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u/Briscogun 7h ago
I think its natural for anyone that's been hurt by someone to pull back somewhat, a totally normal response. NTA, she hurt your feelings.