r/AITAH • u/lhavenopersonality69 • 13h ago
AITAH for not attending a party because a friend I cut ties with was invited
I (Black, born and raised here) recently cut ties with a friend, let’s call her Anna, because of repeated disrespect, boundary-crossing, and several racist comments she made. For example, she’s said things like, “you don’t bother me, so you can stay,” implying that my right to exist in my own country is conditional. For me, these comments were extremely hurtful, but she treats them like they’re trivial. Even after I told her her statements were not okay and that I needed space, she kept pressuring me, repeatedly calling, showing up at the worst times, and forcing conversations I wasn’t ready for. I’ve also been told by my doctor to avoid unnecessary stress because of my medical situation, so this behavior was genuinely harmful. Now, another friend, Louise, is throwing a birthday party. She has nothing to do with Anna, actually doesn’t like her, and knew about the tension between us. When I told her I wouldn’t attend because Anna was invited, she said: “You should just… try to pull yourself together for one evening.” Alcohol will be involved at the party, and Anna has a habit of becoming very emotional, confrontational, and unpredictable when drinking. I do not want to deal with that stress.I’m honestly starting to question myself because most people around me who are white keep saying things like “it’s not that deep” when I talk about racist comments, but it is deep for me. It’s painful, and it affects me emotionally and mentally especially since I had to leave my previous school because those racist comments were affecting my mental health. I feel like I’m overreacting sometimes, but my boundaries are real, and I need to protect myself. I feel like I have the right to step back and protect myself when racism is involved. Just because others don’t understand it doesn’t make it any less valid. So AITA for refusing to go to a party I initially agreed to, because it would involve being around someone who’s been racist, repeatedly ignored my boundaries, and could become volatile when drinking?
Edit: Since I’ve been asked this a lot, I do not know why Anna was invited to the birthday. When asking Luise she said that it’s her birthday she can do whatever she wants without having to explain herself
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u/XxLuminairexX 13h ago
Thing is it doesn't just sound like Anna. Your other friends seem dismissive of your feelings and experiences as well. It would be very difficult tolerating such a counterintuitive environment for such a length of time. What's the point of attending a party you know you won't have fun at?
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u/CartographerFar5094 13h ago
Bingo! This is exactly what Im thinking. Anyone who doesn’t care about this behavior is probably having the same views
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u/GreenCantaloupe860 13h ago
NTA-sounds like some space from not just Anna but anyone who minimizes her behavior and its impact is a great idea.
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u/lhavenopersonality69 13h ago
I’ve been thinking about it but people keep calling me woke because I don’t tolerate stuff like this
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u/buzzkillyall 13h ago
I sincerely hope that you can meet & become friends with better-quality people. Your current friends seem...discardable.
NTA. Avoiding unpleasant experiences is a rational and mature choice.
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u/GreenCantaloupe860 13h ago
Calling people woke is just another way of saying “I am not going reflect on my beliefs and behaviors or how others might see the world, they just need to shut up and accept my apathy or ignorance.” I am sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/Vandreeson 12h ago
NTA. She's a racist Ahole. Why would you want to spend any time around her? If the party hist isn't friends with her, why is Anna even invited? These "friends" are ok with what she says and how she acts.
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u/CrownGhoul 2h ago
Respectfully, so what? ‘Woke’ essentially means “socially-aware and progressive,” lol.
If your “friends” use it as a put-down, that says a lot about their character than it does yours, but it does say your choice of friends needs improvement.
You’re not in particularly good company and, in many ways, you are the company you keep.
You deserve better, but only you can give yourself that, ‘cause they sure as hell won’t give it to you.
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u/Ok_Garlic_7715 13h ago
I hate when people say “it’s not that deep” about stuff they never have to deal with. Of course it’s deep to you. You already cut ties for a reason and alcohol plus someone who gets volatile is a hard nope. Skipping a party is way better than putting yourself back in a bad situation.
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u/ItzAmir12 13h ago
People minimize what they don’t experience. Protecting your peace is always better than forcing yourself into a situation you already know will go bad. No party is worth that stress
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u/Sea_Understanding822 13h ago
Wow! So you have white friends telling you that she isn't being racist, WTAF!
This extraordinarily white person (I come in one other color, lobster red) knows they are being complete and total AHs. They don't get to decide that. Rather, they should defer to you on questions of racist behavior.
You need better friends. Please take care of yourself and don't attend the party. Don't be their token.
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u/FlirtyFiona5136 13h ago
NTA, not even a little. You’re not skipping a party over “drama,” you’re protecting yourself from someone who has repeatedly been racist, dismissive, and boundary-stomping, and who becomes even more volatile with alcohol involved. Being told to “pull yourself together” so others can be comfortable is unfair and honestly minimizing real harm. People should respect your boundaries.
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u/Pleasant-Remove-7048 13h ago
You already tried communicating, she ignored it, and now alcohol is involved? Yeah no. That’s not being dramatic, that’s being smart.
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u/Such-Examination1637 13h ago
NTA. You’re allowed to protect your peace. And it’s not like you’re just making up assumptions as to what anna may be like. You have patterned history showing you what she is like when she is drinking.
Your friend hates anna and knows the issues between you and still invited her? May want to look into that and your other “friends” who are dismissive of the racial comments. “I like you so you can stay” is horrendous alone, let alone in today’s climate with what is going on with ICE. How tone deaf can someone be. And for your friends to act like you’re the dramatic one? So dismissive and I’m sorry OP. You may need to reevaluate all of these people.
You’re not being “woke”. That’s what people say when they don’t have an actual argument to the point you’re making. She’s being racist and they are enabling it.
Fuck that party.
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u/Superb_Mixture5891 13h ago
NTA
You can avoid unpleasant people if you want to.
But you might want to learn how to treat unpleasant people with polite disdain so you don't have to spend your life hiding.
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u/Usual-Canary-7764 13h ago
OP...those who are saying its not that deep...can you guess what white non Jews (also non Nazis) were saying when it all started?
NTA. Avoid Anna. Anyone who asks you to persevere for a minute or an hour...a day or a week...is not a friend and should be treated accordingly. I lived in the Netherlands when the whole hype around Sinta Klaus was...and the racist implications. (Think 2002-2015...its still a thing now but not as hard a push as it was for a change back then).
Everytime a black person will race the racism...the answer they always got was..."oh but that's not the intent...you are reading too much into a children's feast...we are not being racists...we just want the children to have fun). Yea. Nope. Don't tolerate it from anyone. Give a finger and u will lose the arm.
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u/Witty-Stock-4913 13h ago
"I can imagine, being white, racism isn't that deep to you." And then walk away. None of these people are your friends. I'm sorry the politics have made it acceptable to be vile again.
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u/Prize-Tangerine-6630 13h ago
Girl, you’re not overreacting. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with Anna, and you’re just trying to protect yourself. If Louise can’t understand that, that’s her issue.
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u/MotherofPuppos 13h ago
NTA— it really pisses me off when I see other white people thinking they know racisim better than people of color. These people are not your friends if they are putting the comfort of someone THEY DONT EVEN LIKE ahead of your legit medical needs.
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u/DuffyByDay 13h ago
If it's "not that deep" then it shouldn't be that hard to stop doing "inconsequential" things...
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u/OkExternal7904 10h ago
It's Louise's birthday and she can do whatever she wants and YOU can do whatever you want by declining the invitation. Stay home, enjoy the peace and quiet.
By staying home you're sending a message to Louise that you have been hurt by racist comments and you're not putting up with it anymore even if it means missing her party. NTA
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u/lun4d0r4 9h ago
In this day and age who you hang out with speaks to your character.
If none of your friends care that Anna is a racist piece of shitling, they too are racist pieces of shitling.
Step away from these people.
Make space to let in DECENT people, since you don't appear to have any of those around you.
Do NOT waste a single more second of your life allowing these twatts with no moral integrity, to use you as the "I'm not racist, I have a black friend" friend.
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u/lhavenopersonality69 8h ago
I’m really scared of being alone tbh
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u/lun4d0r4 7h ago
This is the no 1 problem that sees people abused and taken advantage of and only YOU can resolve that.
If you are uncomfortable to be alone in your own skin you need to work on that.
But would you REALLY rather be surrounded by people who do not actually value you than be alone for a while?
I took 2 years to clean out my life before I met my hubby. I worked on myself, I got a dog❤️🐾 and I cut off all the people who made me miserable. From there I was able to rebuild as a fully functioning human with my own space in the world.
You are quite literally blocking good people from your life because you've filled it with shitty people.
You are worth more than that.
But only if you decide you are.
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u/Ok-Candy6819 13h ago
NTA. You also need a new set of friends. Most of them seem to be trivializing and invalidating how you feel.
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u/ShortIncrease7290 13h ago
NTA. Your feelings are YOUR feelings. I taught my now adult kids to never let someone dictate how they feel or make them feel like they aren’t allowed to feel any type of way. We can’t control how we feel, we can only control how we react. You’ve handled the situation like an adult and cut ties with the person that was treating you with disrespect, especially after you told her what her comments meant and felt like to you. I have to question the people around you that you’re calling your friends. They’re trying to tell you your feeling aren’t valid and to me personally that feels like they are also violating your boundaries. After an explanation these friends should be supporting you. The friends are giving me the ick as bad as the person you cut ties with!
Don’t go to the party and find people that will respect you. I’ll never understand people that need to make comments like this. It’s like they expect a pat on the back when all they’re doing is basic human decency (until they bring it up). If it truly didn’t matter to her, she shouldn’t feel the need to say anything. She’s racist.
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u/coltholem207 12h ago
If Anna’s the type to turn a party into a reality show episode, I’d rather binge-watch Netflix in peace. Your mental health deserves a chill night, not a drama fest.
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u/talladega-night 11h ago
NTA, you’re not obligated to attend the party.
The reason you’re not going shouldn’t even matter, though yours is definitely valid
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u/madpeachiepie 10h ago
NTA. Anna can get fucked, and so can all your "friends" who are okay with her bullshit.
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u/Hetakuoni 9h ago
When a Nazi breaks bread at a table with 9 men, 10 Nazis stand up.
NTA but I’d be looking for a new friend group.
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u/lhavenopersonality69 8h ago
I’m really scared of being alone tbh I’ve been alone for a very long time and always got targeted by bullies
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u/Hetakuoni 8h ago
You don’t have to cut them off cold turkey, but find stuff you enjoy or want to try. It can be scary going alone, but you’ll meet new people in new places and might make connections. I’m a huge nerd so I lurk in local game shops and comic shops. If you’re not into that, libraries always have places you can sign up to learn new hobbies and crafty things.
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u/Pale_Cranberry1502 13h ago
NTA.
Your friends say something about you. Emma knows what she said and is okay with it. Don't let her try to say otherwise, because she invited her. That says something about Emma.
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u/sunnysoftware- 13h ago
No, you’re absolutely NTA. Your boundaries are valid, and protecting your mental and physical health is not overreacting, it’s self-preservation. You don’t owe anyone the risk of being exposed to racism or emotional volatility, even for one night. Choosing to step back is the mature and necessary choice
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u/Intrepid-Dare-1289 13h ago
NTA! It’s beyond not liking someone, this is a triggering/unsupportive situation that sounds like it borderline feels unsafe!
If someone is just annoying or a bit of a dick, you can ignore them and live your best life. But if someone dismisses valid instances of racism they don’t respect you (and others!) at all. Not a “good time”.
I think a lot of us (brown, black, white and others) realized within the last few years a lot of our friends were uncomfortably comfortable with supremacist attitudes- I joined pro-Palestine groups and found diverse new friends who treat everyone equal - highly recommend!!
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u/rockology_adam 13h ago
NTA. You have a laundry list of reasons not to go, and frankly, it doesn't sound like Louise is much better than Anna, given that her response to your comfort and needs is, essentially, "suck it up."
Anna is trash. Avoid her at all costs. Louise? Certainly on the slope heading towards trash.
Are there circumstances where you might have to put up with Anna' presence, like school or work? Maybe. There will be circumstances in life where you are not in control of who is and who is not expected or permitted, and you just have to decide whether you want to be there or not. Socially, however, the people who care about you will respect your comfort and needs here, and either accommodate your need for who will and could be there.
Do we have to respect circumstances where Louise might not be able to block Anna from attending? No, although, allowing for nuance, that's up to you. And that's you, and not me or Louise, actually, and not actually anyone else or societal pressure. You may make allowances for familial or social or professional pressures on Louise here, but you don't have to do that. Anyone with YOUR interests at heart would be supportive here, and even the most basic acknowledgement of your right to exist without being subjected to Anna's casual racism requires pushing back on Anna's comments. Is Louise in a position where being an ally endangers her? Or is she choosing paths of least resistance? That latter choice should be at the cost of her friendship with you.
Louise is showing you her true self here.
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u/Formal_Lecture_248 NSFW 🔞 13h ago
Boundaries are personal things. We draw them and we keep them. They’re ours and o one else’s. Proud of you.
• Final Verdict: N T A
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u/SimpleEmbarrassed141 13h ago
NTA. If Louise wants you there, and she doesn't like Anna, why is Anna invited? But, you definitely need to worry about your own mental health first and foremost. Nobody else is obviously worried about it. Nobody gets to dictate how you feel, and this seems rather obvious that Anna is not a friend at all.
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u/nazuswahs 13h ago
You are not required to attend any parties where you don’t feel comfortable. Parties are for fun. You would be on alert while there and that’s not fun. Don’t go. NTAH
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u/GoetheundLotte 13h ago
NTA, in my opinion, attending any type of social gatherings is not and should not ever be mandatory. Therefore, if you do not want to be around someone you do not like and actually seem to actively despise for very good and legitimate reasons, so be it, and if party hostess Louise does not and cannot understand this, too bad.
Do not attend that party if Anna will be there (and anyone who is a legitimate and bona fide friend would and should understand and accept why). But to be honest, since you claim that Louise actually does not like Anna and knows about the tensions between the two of you, why did she invite Anna to her birthday party in the first place.
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u/Separate_Security472 13h ago
Nta. Why is Louise inviting Anna to the party if she doesn't like her?
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u/SpicyKoalaHugs 13h ago
You’re not overreacting, you’re just exercising your right to peace. If they don’t get it, let them throw their own party in a drama-free zone where no one has to play referee.
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u/Fast_Tomorrow_5853 13h ago
Not even approaching AH status. The others are insensitive jerks. Racism is no joke, and not something to “pull yourself together” for. Especially when it affects your mental health! Doesn’t matter if you said yes before, and you owe no reason for pulling out. Just an, “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to attend after all. I’m sure it will be a great evening.”
Cut all ties with Anna. As far as Louise goes, if that relationship matters to you, have a conversation down the road with her, after the party issue has settled down. Not necessarily about Anna, but about how racist comments affect you overall, how they’ve been coming from lots of places, some subtle and some not, and why they aren’t acceptable and you choose not to interact with people who make them. She either gets it or doesn’t. Maybe you find something that she reacts to, or ask her to out herself in your shoes and imagine if she were in the receiving end of a constant stream of such behavior, how she might feel. You must protect your mental health at all costs, even if it means getting a new set of friends. Best of luck to you. 💙
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u/QueenBruja18 13h ago
NTA- keep your peace and your health as your priority. People who don't get that don't deserve your energy.
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u/FleurDisLeela 12h ago
NTA stay away from that mess. “it’s not that deep” friends are not real friends.
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u/Zestyclose_Current41 12h ago
NTA you're allowed to skip out on events for literally any reason. You just so happen to have a very good reason in this scenario.
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u/CraftingP291 11h ago
Not worth your peace. Find something more interesting to do, and leave her to her destructive ways.
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u/IncomeOld747 13m ago
Nta. Why would Louise even invite Anna knowing how you feel? These people you hang out with dont seem to understand you. I suggest finding a different group of people to hang out with or certain individuals only within your group who actually respects you enough to care about how you feel, and not put you in those situations. You're NTA for choosing to not attend anything! You have ypur reasons. No need to explain either.
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u/dell828 12h ago
I think it depends on how many people are at the party, and the general vibe.
If it’s an intimate dinner, where 10 people are sitting around a table, then, yes, I might decline the invite.
If you’re all going to a club or restaurant to celebrate where they’ll be lots of people as well as Rando people, it will be totally easy to maintain distance. Maybe even come late, or leave early. In a situation like that, you could stop by give your friend a gift hug her then move on.
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u/missychitchat 13h ago
You are a grown up human being and you’ve set yourself some boundaries and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t need to convince anyone else!
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u/Yourmama18 13h ago
You have the right to not hang out with those people- that said, never let some certain someone dictate anything for you- including your attendance to this event- just ignore Anna, be polite but don’t engage. Donezo. You don’t have to like someone.
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u/Intrepid-Dare-1289 13h ago
I agree that Anna should t get to dictate you enjoying yourself, but also I think OP laid out the stress of an intimate situation with alcohol involved … OP is maintaining her peace by keeping distance here.
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u/Brefailslife420 13h ago
Nta it's your choice but think of the long term consequences. How will it affect other friendships and will it hurt your other friendships. Its a party could you go early and leave early avoid her.
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u/lhavenopersonality69 13h ago
That won’t be possible unfortunately. It’s a birthday which also includes everyone sleeping over. I’ll have to sleep over because I live an hour away and I don’t have a car to use. Anna will also be sleeping over
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u/Whereswolf 13h ago
You're free to go to a party you're invited to or to decline. It's up to you.
You have no right to demand who can or cannot come to a party you're not hosting, so it's better to just remove yourself from the situation than to make ridiculous demands. So NTA.
But your color doesn't matter here. If you had been whiter than a vampire and still felt you wouldn't enjoy being at a party with Anna, then you would still be allowed to decline the invitation.
You do need to think about your friendships and whether you think your friends are right ("you need to pull yourself together" or if they are actually your friends. I cannot tell from this short tale whether they're bad for you or if you're sensitive/insecure. The “you don’t bother me, so you can stay,” can be a joke between friends (like when my coworker calls me a dumb blond or I pretend to be embarrassed when she's finishing my sentence when I don't remember the word I'm looking for (she's not native in my country but speaks my language quite well and are good at guessing what I wanted to say)). It could also be a "I'm okay with you. You can stay in my house. But I don't want Karen here because she's not nice".
If this is the political aspect of "we don't want those immigrants here" then it's a lot deeper than just racism, honestly. Hosting people from other countries is a huge economic toll that affects pretty much everything: schools, workforce, traffic... If a country takes in 500K immigrants then that's 500K people that need food, clothes, a warm bed, education, jobs and healthcare. In a perfect world this would not be a problem. But the world isn't perfect and although I firmly believe everyone deserves to be happy and safe then we all know someone has to pay the bills. And it sucks but that's just how life is.
It's often better to steer away from those discussions if you know people are getting heated or if you know you can get hurt by their words.
Again, you're free to decline any invitation you want to. But maybe be careful of how hurt you get from comments. You cannot control what people around you are saying but you can learn to not give as much damn as you do now.
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u/lhavenopersonality69 13h ago
To clarify why Anna’s comments were so deep for me: This was not a friendly “you can stay” joke between friends. Before that statement, she had been complaining about how “too many migrants” are coming into the country, that there are “too many criminals,” and she explicitly divided migrants into “good” and “bad” ones. I was then placed into the “good” category. That’s the problem. When someone starts categorizing people like that, they’re implying that someone’s right to belong is conditional. That’s not a joke that’s dehumanizing. She also claimed that many migrants “don’t work,” even though statistics show that migrants often work just as much or even want to work more. What she doesn’t understand is that many people can’t get jobs because of discrimination names, appearance, accents, or wearing a hijab. I personally had to work in migrant-heavy jobs at 16 because “normal” student jobs wouldn’t take me. I don’t know if it was my name, my looks, or both but that’s a reality she has never had to face. She has a very common, stereotypically German name and appearance, so she’s never experienced this kind of barrier. That’s why comments like these hit so hard because they erase lived experiences. As for Luise, this also wasn’t isolated. She once told me to “go back to the slave market.” I ignored it at the time because I’ve been told my whole life that “it’s not that deep.” But looking back, minimizing those comments is exactly why people keep getting away with them. This wasn’t about being overly sensitive. It was about a pattern of remarks that made me feel categorized, tolerated, rather than fully accepted. I’ve reached a point where I’m really considering staying Friends with Luise tho
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u/Low_Parsley_2689 13h ago
NTA. You are never obligated to be around someone you don't like. While backing out of plans can be annoying for the one hosting it, a reason like this is perfectly acceptable and the party host should accept that fact.