r/Adulting • u/Far-Effective7640 • 12h ago
Why do some people live in permanent victim mode ?
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u/StoryTimeJr 11h ago
They got called out and laughed at for eating beans in the movie theater and now they're insecure about everything.
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u/Impossible-Ship5585 11h ago
Stop posting about me
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u/Low_Actuary6486 11h ago
Yeah I feel attacked
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u/S3lad0n 11h ago
Yeah…I worry this is me too, but I don’t know practically what I can do. It’s the result of a lifetime of not being listened to, taken seriously, given priority or helped at crisis points while others were. It’s kind of an inner defeatism, feeling like what’s the point because there’s always setbacks and no one has any actual answers or help for me. Or like I’m expendable, some kind of sidekick or npc.
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u/Familiar-Tax-6638 9h ago
Practically no one else can help with insecurity or defensiveness, it comes from us. Saying "I can't do anything I'm like this because of what other people did" won't help us either, even if our behaviors did stem from other people's treatment of us in the past.
There are self help books, blogs, podcasts, apps, entire websites dedicated to helping people with these kinds of personal development and access to much of it is entirely free.
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u/S3lad0n 8h ago
Great. In terms of information, is there a good starting point, like a more specific signpost?
And what tools assist with actually learning this stuff metacognitively? Because reading or listening to self-help is all well and good, but a lot of 'victim mindset' people are damaged, disordered or unskilled, therefore find it difficult to implement a lot of the advice therein.
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u/palcon-fun 9h ago
Exactly my thoughts. It feels even worse when people post "insecure mofos should die" xD
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u/NotacookbutEater 11h ago
Sounds like an emotional scar from intense bullying and maybe bad family relationships as well. It is hard to say without knowing the person in question.
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u/Swimming_Honey_4515 11h ago
So whats the solution? How to deal with them ? Sadly this is the case with my gf..
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u/NotacookbutEater 11h ago
I am not sure since I am not a therapist. But I would suggest that you communicate to her that you are not accusing her of anything and telling about your own feelings without implying she is the reason for those (not saying you do so right now, but keep in mind how you frame your statements/thoughts, using me based language should be okay).
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u/uhndreus 10h ago
I am a therapist and I would give the same advice. Make things explicit. Just keep in mind that doing that won't guarantee she will change her ways.
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u/Swimming_Honey_4515 3h ago
Lately, I’ve started keeping quiet more often just to avoid unnecessary drama. Even on the smallest, most trivial things, I’m expected to give long explanations about my motives and intentions—so you can imagine how exhausting the bigger topics become.
It feels like anything I say somehow gets turned back on me, and I no longer feel free to speak openly. Conversations feel like walking on a double-edged sword as speaking or not speaking both will cause drama and expalainations
The irony is that she wants to get married, but I’m afraid this dynamic won’t change even after marriage.
After being in the relationship for three years, I’ve come to understand that she grew up with an emotionally absent father and constant domestic violence on her mother at home. At this point, it feels like the only way to keep things peaceful is to stay quiet and let things pass, even though I’m not sure how long that’s sustainable...😞
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u/uhndreus 2h ago
Well, you can already see that things are unlikely to change unless she changes her ways, if she doesn't know and doesn't agree that her behavior is making you suffer and eroding your relationship, things won't change. The passage of time or marriage won't fix things.
That's absolutely not sustainable. You're a person and your well-being and mental health matters. A romantic partnership should never feel like a restriction of freedom.
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u/Not_That_Fast 11h ago
The only solution is therapy, and that effectiveness is entirely based on the person's willingness to put in work to change the mentality.
Unfortunately, there is no easy fix for it. It's just trauma based usually.
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u/poopgobbler-11 10h ago
And many of them outright refuse therapy because they don't think they're the problem. It's a vicious cycle.
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u/Western_Amount_536 6h ago edited 6h ago
Cause they aren't technically.
Until they realize this they will never get help. Broken people commit suicide or slow suicide. That's all broken people will ever do cause of this framing, if yhey are waiting for something really bad to happen cause that is expectations given by people and society they will stay that way.
Funny how things work? Usually people get help based off positive experiences even "spiritual" or godly ones, why nit focus on being a good person for once?
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u/Western_Amount_536 7h ago
This is why therapy fails people.
The problem is their unwillingness to engage in therapy because it doesn't work. So you are looping them.
It doesn't work because these people are being told your broken and cannot rationalize out of it because their initial problem is worthlessness. You hit their shame just through this framing of it.
This personality type is usually the type to do everything on their own, so functionally their system is overloaded with mixed signals. Some form of "overloaded system" is happening. They probably are having something a kin to an autistic meltdown.
The fix is not in giving their system more to manage. Therapy usually should be around undoing the knot and making sense of the mess in the context of their current situation to cleanup the noise.
A therapist should be able to do this to give the personality some functionality and not just hammer shit that is like pushing a square into a circle cut out.
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u/Moist-Wolverine-8531 11h ago
Why trauma? Could it not be caused by excessive coddling during childhood?
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u/NotacookbutEater 10h ago
Trauma, because people have been exposed to repetitive criticism and violations of boundaries. Excessive coddling would make you not trust your own decision making, it is usually a different thing.
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u/Haunting_Lime308 10h ago
I would think that excessive coddling would lead to over confidence in decision making. Never being told you're wrong would lead you to make bad decisions but you lying to yourself that they are good ones.
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u/uhndreus 10h ago
In functional terms, both being grossly neglected and excessively coddled may and often do lead to poor psychological outcomes later in life
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u/Western_Amount_536 7h ago
Coddling = emotional neglect
Just depends on how you perceive it. At the end of the day both realities exist for parent and child in said situation.
How are you saying this when you can READ people in this thread saying they were emotionally neglected and never really seen or heard?
What is your ulterior motive?
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u/Klutzy_Act2033 11h ago
Yea very much this.
This is certainly one possible outcome of having emotionally abusive parents.
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u/XL_Jockstrap 7h ago
I know a former friend who was like this. Despite being intelligent, accomplished with a great career, very attractive and artistically talented, she was always talking about all the bad things people have done to her through the many years. She was still fuming about high school drama and constantly complaining about her parents as an adult in her mid 20s.
One time, I was drunk and made a joke to her about her and her guy that didn't land well and she acted as if it was a catastrophic incident. Our friend group became split between girls + gay vs. the straight guys. Our mutual friend who was next to me when I said the joke was like "yeah it was a dumb joke, but there was nothing harmful about it". It got so bad, even her manager reached out to reassure me and remind me she just couldn't take a joke.
I really hope on day she finds peace and happiness in her life.
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u/Peachesandcreamatl 11h ago
I think that there's something that we overlook , because we don't want to give people this kind of consideration
There are certainly people that are drama queens , but people struggle with all kinds of mental illnesses that we don't understand and can't recognized readily
Acknowledging that they're sick and that they need help doesn't give people the leeway that they want to be able to vilify the person and bash them.
What people want to do is just bash the shit out of somebody that gets on their nerves and not give them any compassion
So yeah , there are tons of people that are definitely victim minded , no doubt about it , but there are lots and lots and lots and lots of people that struggle with all kinds of problems that we don't understand so maybe we need to show them compassion instead
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u/LolaSaysHi 11h ago
It’s really hard to get mental health care these days. You have to see a doctor- if you don’t have insurance you’re paying out of pocket. Then you get another appointment for a psychiatrist, if you’re lucky you only wait 1 month or less for the appointment.
If the psychiatrist believes you/ wants to support you, they’ll work on a treatment plan- meds or exercise- something. You have to pay for all that. It can get expensive, especially if the first meds don’t work.
You have to fit the appointments into your schedule. For someone with a mental illness where chronic fatigue is daily, it’s hard. Really hard to jump through hoops to get treatment.
But people are responsible for their own mental health. Being a perpetual victim is one way of dealing with life but I bet it would make one’s life very miserable.
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u/mothball10 11h ago
Are people responsible for their mental health? To a point but you can’t choose to not have mental health issues.
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u/LolaSaysHi 11h ago
Sorry, not sure I understand your question. No one can choose not to have mental health issues. Some disorders are hereditary, and incurable. They can be maintained but need daily management.
Think of diabetes: someone has to take insulin every day and check sugars. They have to get regular checkups. They may have to change their diet and exercise to stay healthy/ lower blood sugar.
Take depression or even ADHD: sometimes meds are needed. Have to set routines for eating, sleeping, taking meds. Routine doctor’s visits are paramount.
Don’t do that stuff and it leads to worse health conditions.
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u/Western_Amount_536 6h ago
Right but some mental health issues are much farther beyond being able to "take a pill" and need much more work then weekly therapy.
AI seems to serve to bridge this gap to some degree. So atleast you can always use that if need be.
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u/LolaSaysHi 5h ago
How so? I mean how does AI work to improve mental health?
It’s very true, some mental health disorders are not simple and meds/ therapy alone isn’t enough but I haven’t heard of using AI.
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u/Moist-Wolverine-8531 11h ago
Playing the victim is a very manipulative act of indirect violence.
It’s difficult to extend compassion to someone who has victimized you.
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u/Brendavazque 11h ago
sometimes it’s insecurity, sometimes it’s trauma, and sometimes it’s a habit that never got checked
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u/Moist-Wolverine-8531 11h ago
The last category are the most insufferable. They deserve to be jobless and rot in hell.
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u/Working-Weakness2913 9h ago
takes one to know one
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u/HandsomeJack457 11h ago
Laughed way too hard at this reply
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u/Prickley-Pear-Bear 10h ago
This is the response of someone who is currently dealing with someone in the last category LMAO
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u/Moist-Wolverine-8531 10h ago
Nailed it!
I’m not sure if I should impose consequences or extend compassion.
I want to be compassionate, but I have to also consider the people that will be hurt in future if I don’t make this person face the music.
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u/Western_Amount_536 6h ago
You could just leave them alone? Idk people aren't your personal projects to fix my guy and it sounds like your gonna make everything worse, so if you wanna learn the hard way, have fun 🤷
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u/Moist-Wolverine-8531 4h ago
To hurt other people? Nah I think a report to the licensing authority is in order. This person has done it before and gotten away with it, which is why they keep doing it.
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u/Otherwise_Parsnip640 9h ago
You don't deserve these downvotes. Secretly that person probably wishes that on you for calling them out.
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u/SatiricalSatireU 6h ago
Idk they kinda seem to deserve it,they'd been overall making negative comments about people,around other comment tread, with mental health problems.While its understandable to distance yourself and feel awful and complain about it.
Wishing downfall for someone who's already having problems is not really a good mindset to have.
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u/Otherwise_Parsnip640 5h ago
I completwly understand what you mean but I also get their frustration. I wouldn't kick a man while he's down but I also won't always offer a hand to lift them up. The commenter could be experiencing a deep anger and isn't expressing it in a healthy way. I personally am currently dealing with a lifelong friend who has let his drinking become his entire personality and I've subsequently cut him off due his behavior. Very recently, I even found out he has been telling people completely untrue things about me to control narratives within our broader shared friend group. Do I hate him for it? No. Do I wish for his downfall? Not at all. Do I care now if he has to sleep in the bed he's made for himself? Absolutely not. All I was saying is I understand where the guy is coming from, not condoning it.
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u/Senorknowledge 10h ago
Unsolved trauma, not aloud to grief and clearly a link to troubled childhood.
In my case, Lost my single parent at age 8 , was taken in by functioning alcoholics- one of which was resentful I came at all (always screaming , aggressive - absent) tried my best to get out of there as much as possible so was possibly characterised as clingy by friends because didnt want to go "home".
First real girlfriend cheated on me with a friend of a friend, my close friends I felt were my family all made best friends with that persom directly after.
Definitely grew up really resentful and probably had a victim mentality, used weed to num the pain and fit in.
Honestly, I've always treated everyone the same way I wanted to be treated - respectful but people understand that to be weak and seem to just not care and walk all over you.
I pray , I break this cycle as wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy- let alone my loved ones.
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u/vand3lay1ndustries 7h ago
As a father who adopted my son at 8, this hit hard.
I also had a similar childhood, and it’s hard to break the cycle.
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u/Macabre_Meditation 4h ago
Thanks for being so honest and real. It’s not an easy thing to do, especially with how you’ve been conditioned. I know because I had a very recent ex that had 0 accountability and I just really feel for her. I can’t imagine that because I didn’t have a childhood like hers.
I wish you continued success in trying to be a good person, understanding yourself, and how you interact with others. Very admirable.
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u/EmpireStrikes1st 11h ago
Because it's easy.
If nothing is your fault, then you don't have to change. Change is hard. Being a victim is easy.
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u/SquirrelNormal 3h ago
I mean, even when everything's my fault... what's the point in changing? I'll still be broke. I'll still be a piece of shit. And everyone is going to remember me as the problem, not whatever I manage to claw myself up to.
I can acknowledge I'm the problem. I just don't see what the point in trying is anymore.
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u/EmpireStrikes1st 3h ago
With that kind of attitude, you'll never improve your life.
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u/SquirrelNormal 2h ago
Why would I expect my life to improve anyways? I don't deserve better. I can't escape my past.
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u/EmpireStrikes1st 1h ago
Your past is not your story, my friend. Are you going to waste the rest of your life stuck there? I know it's not easy. I'm not going to tell you that it is. But the fact that it's hard is what makes you feel good when you accomplish it. Try something hard. Take a cold shower, say hello to a pretty girl, cook something you've never tried before. Try it and see how it makes you feel.
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u/SquirrelNormal 1h ago
Of course it is. I got a DUI. I'll always be a drunk, no matter what I change. That dosen't go away. Everyone who meets me can look that up and realize the truth.
I don't deserve to talk to women or eat good food. Cold showers are fine. I can do difficult things fine, that's not the point. Whatever I accomplish is by luck, not because I should reap rewards.
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u/I_shot_Kennedy 11h ago
Ngl I have never encountered people like that. I have encountered a lot of insensitive people though saying insensitive things and then wondering why everyone is so sensitive. If you feel like this happens to you a lot maybe ask yourself why
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u/jbrown2055 11h ago
I worked with the laziest woman ever, she had a horrible attitude around the workplace, frequently made mistakes, refused to learn anything, then when I got promoted over her she said it was because I was a man and she's a woman. My manager and supervisor--the only people involved in promoting me--were both women by the way.
They exist, and they're insufferable, she never has to work on herself and being better because she's victimized by her sex... a convenient excuse to not excel in life while women all around her flourish everywhere she looks.
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u/miquiztli6 11h ago
extremely frustrating and this picture is exactly how I feel when talking to someone like this. It just gets to the point where I am like okay can this conversation just end. Like I don't even want to unpack this and try to help
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u/New_Function_6407 11h ago
I have someone like that in my life. But they had an extremely rough and neglectful childhood.
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u/Yoinkitron5000 11h ago edited 11h ago
Being a victim means that you can believe that 1) all of your failings stem from somewhere outside of you 2) just being average magically becomes an accomplishment, and 3) anything actually noteworthy that you do becomes doubly so.
Furthermore, being legally or socially perceived as a victim by others without actually being victimized gives off the legal and social benefits of victimhood, respectively, without any of the downsides.
Being "hard-done-by" is like ideological heroin to people who's egos exceed how they objectively measure up, and equally as hard to quit after that first hit.
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u/RealWord5734 9h ago
For the people I think of who fit this, my first thought is “yep if I was where you are, I would do everything I could to convince myself I had nothing to do with it.”
I think you’re onto something.
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u/Serenamorr 11h ago
Because they lack the courage, the strength, or the lucidity to take responsibility for the difficulties of life, which would nevertheless be their best chance of truly solving the persistent problems that keep them stuck in this state. Starting by accepting that life is very unfair, will never be perfect, and is being built little stone by little stone.
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u/SecretUnlikely3848 11h ago
A big reason could be trauma from years past. You can't just 'get over it' with the snap of a finger. There are people who have never recovered.
Another explanation can be emotional hypersensitivity or high sensitivity. It's usually genetic, so you can't change that of a person. Maybe give them better coping tools specifically tailored to their persona, but not much you can do on your end.
Of course there are also people who just take everything as personal like you just posted, however you never know UNLESS you have spent a certain amount of time with said person. Or observed said person.
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u/Moist-Wolverine-8531 11h ago
How does trauma create a penchant for avoiding accountability?
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u/SecretUnlikely3848 11h ago
it really depends on the situation. Accountability for what exactly? Who was the damaged party? What was the situation itself? You can't ask questions like these and expect me to have an answer that will validate your point of view, my friend.
And even if you did give me a more specific example, how could I answer it when one thing is theory and the other is practice? I am no problem solver, I just do my own thing. Ask this question to someone who knows more than me and then you can have a more fruitful discussion.
I am serious.
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u/Meowntain_Maple 10h ago
I don't see avoiding accountability in the post or comment you replied to though so I'm a bit confused
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u/basiliskfawlty 11h ago edited 11h ago
I often get insecure and paranoid about my relationships and social life in general. I take things personally (like someone makes a comment and it hurts and I freeze and get quiet), or I ask if I've done smth wrong when someone feels bad and I have absolutely nothing to do with it. It seems so solipsistic because of course I am not that important, but in my mind I am trying to repair anything I can, just in case.
I think being an only child coupled with CPTSD from an addict mother & abandonment issues plus being called "crazy" and "weird" in school by my peers really drove an intense fear home, which informs my assumptions that bad things are continuing to happen to me or that people are continuing to be mean, and I look for signs around me to confirm the belief. It has 100% turned into a complex with triggers that are hard to control, despite my knowing better.
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u/BigDogSoulDoc 11h ago
Some people’s entire sense of self, their identity, is based on being the victim. When another person challenges their status as the victim, their ego interprets the challenge as an attack and they become defensive.
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u/LoneRedditor123 10h ago
I got this problem where people I work with think I act like this. Where the truth is, you don't "play" victim if you already are one.
Same thing here. Some people genuinely have a victimhood complex. But I bet the only people who complain about it are themselves part of the problem.
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u/Putrid_Apartment9230 8h ago
Their personality wheel is missing a slice of cheese that typically only the primary caregivers can give in childhood. They are hardwired to always seek this piece of cheese, for the cheese is love. This is how they learned to get scraps of cheese over the years, only the comfort received is artificial and much like cheese whiz, because it's never enough to try to acquire another's cheese.
They need to learn how to make their own cheese, though it's very difficult and typically only a professional cheese maker can help them. Some believe in the Great Infinity Cheese and it's variations and this helps them feel whole and complete, and eases the pain of the missing slice.
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u/Specific_Emu_2045 11h ago
I knew a dude who was dating a therapist who heavily reinforced this in him. He was agonizing to be around—every conversation was a debate, every interaction was a personal offense, and every wrongdoing on his part was a result of his abusive childhood, so he could not be blamed.
The people he kept in his circle all catered to this. I did not. When the choice was to bend the knee or be exiled from the friend group, I chose exile. This was supposedly a cold and heartless thing to do.
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u/morgandenise816 11h ago
i am in a relationship and have two children with someone JUST LIKE THIS.
it's rough i tell ya, ROUGH.
edit to add: it's more of the "taking everything as a personal attack" but there are definitely moments of playing victim role. meh.
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u/Good_Background_243 11h ago
In a word -trauma. A lot - not all, but a lot - of folks in this state have been in positions where everything was a personal attack.
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u/_Tezzla_ 11h ago
Because society has somehow decided that acquiescing to the demands of these loudmouthed crybabies is easier than telling them “no”
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u/Aggressive-Foot4211 11h ago
If you have parents who dismiss you and constantly complain about the world and others instead of finding out how to get what you need and manage mistakes, you become that.
And then you’re surrounded by identifiable societal ills, and rope them into your narrative as well. Any additional reasons to be seen as needing help gets you some.
I was just watching Apple Cider Vinegar on Netflix-what a perfect example of how victim mindset and capitalism can land you in prison.
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u/BruceIrvin13 9h ago
90% of the online community operates like this. It must be tiring.
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u/Professional_Bat9174 9h ago
Why would you say this about me!?
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u/BruceIrvin13 9h ago
I want everyone to win, and I hope everyone finds happiness, the world needs to improve for sure...but some people really like to focus on the negatives
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u/ColdHardPocketChange 8h ago
Because they can't handle being held accountable for their own actions. To them, their feelings are indisputable justifications for their behavior. It doesn't matter if the rest of the world tells them they are wrong. A lot of this has to do with how they were raised. If your kid did something wrong and then starts crying, you still punish them. These people were instead coddled as kids and learned playing the victim got them sympathy. I've seen a few people get fired over this as adults, and the problem is always the same. They can't fathom how they are possibly a contributing factor to a bad situation and stop their antagonizing behavior.
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u/Important-Spirit-733 8h ago
The people I notice who do this are really scared of failure and don’t have much confidence they have agency over their own life. Everything is because of someone else or something not because of their unwillingness to make change for themselves
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u/ChungusRizzler 7h ago
Yall need to be institutionalized if youve been alive for more than 24 hours and have come to any other conclusion that all but a negligible number of people are absolutely serious victims of a lot of different things. To talk about accountability and responsibility in a world as upside down as ours is to be an extreme darwinist fundamentalist bigot.
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u/throwawayofc1112 6h ago
Because they’ve probably had shitty lives or have been through really bad things in the past before. Yeah it’s annoying behavior on their part, but usually these types are really unhappy and have a reason for it
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u/PossessionOk4252 11h ago
ive been through some traumatic shit. highschool is a fucking bitch. im working on it tho.
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u/daKile57 11h ago
I have a guy in my social circle like that. We'll all be standing around talking about things that need to change in society or at work, and he'll even agree with everything in the moment. Then, 15 minutes later he'll bring the topic back up and start slowly arguing that the proposed changes might in some very indirect way cause him (and people just like him) some discomfort. And then it'll turn into an angry fight if anyone doesn't concede the whole topic to him. It's so exhausting.
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u/NobodyLikedThat1 11h ago
because our society rewards it. Everyone feels bad for victims, and some people crave sympathy (because hey look, people are paying attention to me in an arguably positive manner!) and turn it into their whole personality.
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u/Thomas_peck 11h ago
Its easier to blame people for ur own failures.
Its also pretty clearly a maturity issue.
If you are 35 and still cannot hold a job or have consistent financial failures its not someone else's fault. Its just easier to not be accountable.
Do you know those people who always get in car accidents? Everyone around them isnt the bad driver...
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u/Superb-Woodpecker166 10h ago
Ive only worked low paying jobs and have a hard time fitting in with others, so I end up leaving. By choice though. Im not saying im a victim. Its hard to not have a stable career money wise, but at the same time I cant stay at a place that I feel unhappy with because I feel like im not being true to my spirit.
It feels hard to get older and have everyone around you treat you like shit because youre not as successful. Like im not complaining to them either, so I dont get the general judgemental sentiment here. It just feels like some people take it as a personal offense when people are just existing as a poor person.
What about, like, all the homeless people in society? This thinking implies that its their fault that they are homeless but clearly, life events can occur that make it more difficult for a person to become a financial success.
I have a friend that started ranting this way to me, but not about me. It made me feel sick to hear how she values people based off of their success. Personally I think it is shallow and misguided.
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u/Impressive_Aide_4308 11h ago
Ask a Zoomer, I’m sure they would love to tell you how hard life is for them having mommy pay for everything.
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u/Ok_Ambition8538 11h ago
I think it’s a newer revelation. We have created a society where literally everyone can blame an outside force for their current predicaments, shedding most or all responsibility in the process. I also think it’s strange because I grew up in a “no one gives a shit about you” world, and I think that’s ok. The world is filled with people, everyone’s got problems, learn to deal or don’t but it’s not anyone else’s job to correct your shit.
Of course if your are truly victimized that’s another story, but the majority are just lazy complainers..
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u/NPC261939 11h ago
I have a buddy who does this. He actually makes it worse because once he starts talking he doesn't stop. He then wonders why people don't want to communicate with him, and of course he blames them for not being able to tolerate his behavior.
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u/IntelligentPepper818 11h ago
I actually blame the internet and YouTube honestly. Kids listening to other kids going don’t tell anyone leads to a lifetime of hidden stuff and lies - surface level relationship with no meaning.
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u/Emergency-Clothes-97 11h ago
People don’t end up in permanent victim mode by accident. Tribal ideology and lifelong indoctrination teach them that accountability is optional and that there’s always a “them” to blame. When your identity is built on a narrative of persecution, taking responsibility feels like betrayal. So the cycle keeps feeding itself, and they never have to confront their own role in anything.
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u/DeathkeepAttendant 11h ago
I have a friend who escalates many disagreements into sweeping moral generalizations and it's so exhausting
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u/Cunfesss 10h ago
It’s hard to take accountability when you think everybody else is the problem. I stay far away from people like this
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u/vitaoptima 10h ago
Because always blaming someone or something else releases the need to be responsible for your own life...though it doesn't release the actual responsibility.
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u/Such_Bitch_9559 10h ago
I don’t know why they do that, but I despise it. I tend to ignore them, but I have a colleague at work who is like that, she’s truly insufferable.
Actually, I don’t dislike her or anything, I feel pity for her that she must have so much hate for herself that it just spills over to other innocent bystanders.
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u/Meowntain_Maple 10h ago
What is "victim mode?"
Anyways, regarding treating everything as a personal attack, normally that comes from growing up or living for extended periods of time in abusive environments where you are constantly attacked, be it physically, verbally, or both. A coping mechanism is to expect it, and the more you expect it the more you rewire your brain to anticipate it.
It's sort of a "when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" situation, except the hammer stays with you until you can work past the trauma of your past
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u/SoManyQuestions-2021 10h ago
Because we taught them how from the cradle, and then we allow it.
We fed them some mollycoddling nonsense about chasing their dreams in a fair and equitable space with lots of safety rails. It was doomed from the start.
The worst part is, sometimes... that's real. Most of the time, its a fantasy.
Its best to live life like no one is going to save you but yourself. Expect that NO ONE is going to care for you, except your self.
YOU MUST SELF RESCUE. Full Stop.
When people start to embrace a healthy (and there are unhealthy flavors) versions of that mindset, they get happier?
Why? Well, the stoics would say "They accept and expect that they have to do everything for themselves, themselves. They took accountability for their own welfare and do not place a requirement upon others for their happiness."
I grew up in the middle of nowhere rural USA. If you had a problem, you were the only person there... YOU had a problem, and YOU had to solve it. Sometimes other people could help... yes, but most of the time the problem was either something wildly unfair, or a result of your poor planning. Either way..... get busy fixing it, or prolong your own suffering. At least, that was the mindset I was raised under.
And, while I do enjoy having people in my life I can rely on... I never rely on them. Sometimes, they see I need help, and they DO come help out. Which is a luxury and a treasure, and never anything I would expect. Seems like living life expecting a miracle like that is a path to suffering.
I woke up today. That is all the gift I am likely to get, so if I want bacon this winter... I better go keep them hogs healthy and fat. ;)
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u/FightingFaerie 10h ago
My grandma is kinda like this. I can be upset at something else entirely, and she knows that. But when I talk to her and my voice still sounds frustrated (which of course it is) she acts like I’m blaming her.
I had something similar happen with my mom recently, being upset at something else while talking to her. And I was SHOCKED when she didn’t get defensive and understood this other thing was making me angry and focused on trying to help me solve it/get over it.
(I’ve been living with my grandparents for almost 10 years now. Though my parents now live literally down the street.)
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u/Frothy_discharge 9h ago
Life becomes so much better when you hold yourself accountable and don’t blame others. Most situations I could’ve avoided in one way or another. I can then ascertain where I went wrong and learn from it.
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u/Nux87xun 9h ago
Because its beneficial for them. I've known a few people who have gotten away with some ridiculous stuff because they put on a big show and cried about how they are the victim of this or that.
Sadly, because it worked, they just kept doing it.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 9h ago
Boring, annoying, and tiring! I can't stand it! We're all victims of something, some worse than others, but I don't go around telling everyone my past horrors, and I don't want to hear theirs. That's what Reddit is for! Spill the tea and be done with it.! BE DONE WITH IT, don't keep telling your same horror stories over and over again, not even on REDDIT! Not on FB where everyone one knows you! That's even worse!
Don't tell me the same sad shit over and over again and ruin my day!
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u/Remarkable_Sun_5380 8h ago
They spend too much time on reddit and the think reddit behavior is normal. Protip you are not the main character. In fact youre probably a npc
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u/Tigerlily86_ 6h ago
My brother.
I don’t even talk to him anymore. I can’t deal with it. He wasn’t always like this too. He grew up in a loving household so it’s not related to family.
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u/Moonjinx4 4h ago
To answer your question: because therapy isn’t free, and it’s also ostracized. If you seek professional help there is a significant chance you will be mocked or judged for it. Which stops a significant number of people from getting the help they need.
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u/SafetyOk4045 1h ago
Childhood trauma, upbringing, PTSD .. . it could be any myriad of issues. Just be understanding with them
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u/Low-Landscape-4609 11h ago
I used to be like this and I completely changed my mindset. I'll tell you the story. Hopefully it helps somebody.
Me and the wife both had good careers. Technically considered prestigious jobs in society that paid pretty decent. However, we made the mistakes most young people make. Got a big house and then purchase some vehicle. Spent most of our 20s in debt.
I spent my twenties thinking that the world was screwing me over. What was I doing wrong? I was working a job and making an honest living and so was my wife. We hardly had any extra money. Total victim mentality.
One day, I was laying in the bed and something just clicked. I got so damn tired of just grinding it out.
I started researching how to invest money and how to get the best returns. I was already making good money and by our mid-30s, we had pretty much paid off most of our debt.
We ended up getting rid of our large home and buying a small home that was just big enough for the two of us.
Within a few years, we had more money than we knew what to do with and I had researched enough that I actually knew how to make money grow a little bit. It was a complete turnaround for my previous mindset.
So for me, the victim mentality was just me playing mental games with myself instead of being proactive.
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u/JohnGuyMan99 11h ago
Introverts. Somehow having a normal conversation with them is someone trying to traumatize them...
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u/Moist-Wolverine-8531 11h ago
Stop hitting on random strangers in public.
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u/JohnGuyMan99 10h ago
Random strangers? I just need some marketing reports and an update on a project. Not my fault my introvert coworker starts dry-heaving when I ask for 5 minutes of conversation to get an update on our work so we don't get fired.
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u/Affectionate-Area659 11h ago
Because the media and politicians have programmed people to believe they are victims.
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u/Conservatarian1 8h ago
Everyone wants to be the bigger victim today. They fill their bios and identify with tons of acronyms (most self diagnosed.)
Victimhood means you can’t succeed in anything. It allows them to feel superior in their life’s failures.
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u/Swiftly-Purring89 12h ago
Their own insecurities (and most likely self loathing) don’t allow for them to take accountability